Right now, I don't know how to put my feelings into words. I type and then I delete because the words I use never seem enough.
I know that people say that if you've had a crush on someone for more than four months, it's pretty safe to say you are in love with them. But, I've had a crush on Brad Pitt for years so I'm assuming that that isn't love and that is actually a crush. I'm guessing it has something to do with the fact I haven't and never will meet Brad Pitt; he is unobtainable. But, what about this guy who I have had a crush on for probably close to a year now, is that love? I don't see him that often, but when I do, I get butterflies and I smile more and I'm probably a better a version of myself because I want him to like me. Clearly, he likes me - we have spent a fair amount of time together when we have seen each other and we've kissed, among other things ;). One problem, he's got a girlfriend. Now, if you've stuck around my blog for a while then you'll probably guess who I'm talking about. I don't want to say his name in this post because, my feelings have grown so much more since I posted about him originally. I thought that when I went home for the summer my feelings had gone, I've tried to distract myself with other guys but now I've realised, no one else compares. I just really wish I knew what these feelings for him were, whether it is love or just lust. Maybe it's something to do with the fact we get on like a house on fire and have stuff in common, but we also share a sexual chemistry I've never felt with anyone else - I just want to kiss him every time I see him. I supposed what is really holding me back is the fact he has a girlfriend, that and the fact I know he wouldn't leave her for me - that's even if he would want to. We haven't had sex because he told me he didn't think he could sleep with anyone else, and ever since he told me this, I've wanted nothing more than to sleep with him. So, do you think it is because he is unobtainable that I want him so bad? Is it lust for him to like me or is it that I'm in love with him and wish he was in love with me too?
I just wish I understood what it is I hope to gain from this - I don't want to hurt his girlfriend, I don't want to get hurt and I don't want to ruin the friendship that we have, but I seriously can't say no to him. I'm hooked, I'm at his beck and call. If he wanted me to come meet him I would, if he came to my door begging to come in, I couldn't not let him in no matter how much my head told me not to.
If anyone reads this blog, please tell me what you think it is I'm feeling?
I'm so confused and want guidance.
Thursday 14 October 2010
Wednesday 6 October 2010
Took this off my Tumblr, just thought it was better suited for here.
I’m sat here at like 04:12am and I can honestly say it’s been one of the best nights out I’ve had in Liverpool and also one of the worst.
When I normally go out, it involves me, a group of male friends and most of the time my very close female friend. Due to the people I spend most of my drunken hours with I don’t normally spill my deepest darkest insecurities or my true feelings about people because, let’s face it, I’m not that type of girl. I detest anything too soppy or overly romantic; it actually repulses me.
Tonight, however, it involved me and my close female friend getting insanely drunk and having the old girly ‘feelings’ chat. I mean we’ve talked sober and everything but this time, it was completely different. We both talked about things we had never talked about before and exposed our true feelings about certain situations - mostly involving men. I learnt things about her relationships and she learnt things about my - shalll we call them, liaisons? Yes.
Well, to be honest with you, I’ve never felt better. I feel like we have such a better friendship already having opened up to each other in this way. I opened up to her about my commitment issues concerning my ‘unconventional’ upbringing (I put unconventional in ‘_’ because although it was pretty normal I mean it was unconventional in terms of your stereotypical nuclear family kinda shit; the main fact being my family wasn’t and all my friend’s were.)
Over my teenage years, I’ve had to deal with many a family crisis - mainly concerning my dad and his wondering eyes (and hands) - but I’ve also had to deal with my own self confidence issues and what seems like now your stereotypical childhood bullying or character building as some may prefer to call it - although I can honestly say it hasn’t built my character, it’s just made me, for want of a better phrase, completely fucked up.
So ever since then, I’ve been unbelievably concerned - perhaps almost obsessed - with the fact that I’m going to end up alone. I’ve been told constantly by my amazing and absolutely stunning friends that out there somewhere, there is the right man for me. I’ve been told this since Secondary school, “Just you wait till you get to college, there’ll be plenty of new guys that you’ll meet and you’ll get what you finally deserve.” Unfortunately for me there were plenty of guys I met, just none of them interested in me.
So, I went to University last year and I was basically told the same thing again. I’d been at University about a month when I met an Irish guy on a night out. One thing led to another and we ended up sleeping together. Contrary to popular belief this was my first time and although it was fun, as soon as it was over I never wanted to see him again. I just wanted to cut him out of my life and never deal with it. Now, many people would say this is because I just wanted sex and nothing else or I’d slept with him and regretted how my first time was etc. but, no. I wanted someone to want me, but I just couldn’t/can’t deal with my self confidence issues. I didn’t want him to wake up and be sober and have to fake an attraction towards me or see him again and leave him feeling disappointed. Ridiculous I know but, I just couldn’t bear it, I’d rather push him away and hurt his feelings - maybe - than him crush me into a tiny pieces and I’d never be able to recover again.
Eventually, I had sex with other guys and blah blah blah the same kinda shit happened again - I say ‘happened’, I use that term loosely; considering most of these palavers I found myself in are partly my doing. But, what took me a while to realise was that I picked guys that were unavailable - whether they had girlfriends (so were physically and emotionally unavailable to me or whether they were just physically available to me and completely unavailable to me emotionally.) Either way, I’ve realised I can’t handle a guy being interested in me. I literally can’t handle it, it makes me question them and think they’re doing it all for a joke and even if I know they aren’t and I know for a fact they like me, I still detach myself and find faults in their personality because I can’t deal with anyone liking me (no matter how much I want it) - I know that I am no where near good enough, or even deserve someone who will or even does love/like me.
I know it all sounds terribly cliche, but I’ve lived in this shadow of self consciousness for far too long, if people don’t like me for me I know I shouldn’t give a fuck but when you’re treated like you are ‘a bit of fun on the side’ or just some kinda play thing with no emotions, you’re seriously gonna start believing it. Just like I did last week, just like I did months ago and just like I do right now. Clearly, I am not what guys look for in a relationship, clearly, I surround myself with unavailable men because I am too scared of finding a guy who is willing to start a relationship with me because I’m terrified of ending up heartbroken like my parents.
That’s why tonight has been a good night, because I’ve told one of my closest friends all this shit and we’ve never been closer. However, tonight has been one of the worst nights because I told one of my closest friends all this shit and I feel incredibly vulnerable - like I won’t be able to look her in the eye.
I’m embarrassed, self conscious and feel like I’m never going to get the happiness I want, but I like to think I’ll keep trying, even if it means that more of these soul-bearing nights’ll happen (although I hope not, you have no idea how long it’s taken me to write this - it’s nearly 05:35am now and I don’t know how much of this feelings/baring your soul bullshit I can go through) - btw when it all gets too much for me emotionally I like to make a joke out of it all, it’s not really bullshit to me, otherwise I wouldn’t be writing this blog.
So, I’m going to leave it there. I know most of you won’t have given a shit about what I wrote here but I just need to get it off my chest because I’m so confused, angry, fucked up right now I don’t know what to do. If you read this far, thank you - you seriously don’t know how much it means to me, and although it’s really cliche to blame your problems on the way your childhood turned out I hope to god that nobody has to go through what I did, you seriously don’t need that kinda baggage!
So thank you again for sticking with me whilst I bared my soul, I love you for that.
P.S. It would really help in all of this if I wasn’t completely head of heels in lust/liking(?)/(love? I don’t even know anymore) with you. It would help if you didn’t have a girlfriend, it would also help if you didn’t confuse me with your mixed signals and your sexy, cocky, gift of the gab talk. I want to see you more than anything, yet I never want to see you again so this ache will go away.
See? FUCKED UP. I guess I’ll never win.
GOODNIGHT.
When I normally go out, it involves me, a group of male friends and most of the time my very close female friend. Due to the people I spend most of my drunken hours with I don’t normally spill my deepest darkest insecurities or my true feelings about people because, let’s face it, I’m not that type of girl. I detest anything too soppy or overly romantic; it actually repulses me.
Tonight, however, it involved me and my close female friend getting insanely drunk and having the old girly ‘feelings’ chat. I mean we’ve talked sober and everything but this time, it was completely different. We both talked about things we had never talked about before and exposed our true feelings about certain situations - mostly involving men. I learnt things about her relationships and she learnt things about my - shalll we call them, liaisons? Yes.
Well, to be honest with you, I’ve never felt better. I feel like we have such a better friendship already having opened up to each other in this way. I opened up to her about my commitment issues concerning my ‘unconventional’ upbringing (I put unconventional in ‘_’ because although it was pretty normal I mean it was unconventional in terms of your stereotypical nuclear family kinda shit; the main fact being my family wasn’t and all my friend’s were.)
Over my teenage years, I’ve had to deal with many a family crisis - mainly concerning my dad and his wondering eyes (and hands) - but I’ve also had to deal with my own self confidence issues and what seems like now your stereotypical childhood bullying or character building as some may prefer to call it - although I can honestly say it hasn’t built my character, it’s just made me, for want of a better phrase, completely fucked up.
So ever since then, I’ve been unbelievably concerned - perhaps almost obsessed - with the fact that I’m going to end up alone. I’ve been told constantly by my amazing and absolutely stunning friends that out there somewhere, there is the right man for me. I’ve been told this since Secondary school, “Just you wait till you get to college, there’ll be plenty of new guys that you’ll meet and you’ll get what you finally deserve.” Unfortunately for me there were plenty of guys I met, just none of them interested in me.
So, I went to University last year and I was basically told the same thing again. I’d been at University about a month when I met an Irish guy on a night out. One thing led to another and we ended up sleeping together. Contrary to popular belief this was my first time and although it was fun, as soon as it was over I never wanted to see him again. I just wanted to cut him out of my life and never deal with it. Now, many people would say this is because I just wanted sex and nothing else or I’d slept with him and regretted how my first time was etc. but, no. I wanted someone to want me, but I just couldn’t/can’t deal with my self confidence issues. I didn’t want him to wake up and be sober and have to fake an attraction towards me or see him again and leave him feeling disappointed. Ridiculous I know but, I just couldn’t bear it, I’d rather push him away and hurt his feelings - maybe - than him crush me into a tiny pieces and I’d never be able to recover again.
Eventually, I had sex with other guys and blah blah blah the same kinda shit happened again - I say ‘happened’, I use that term loosely; considering most of these palavers I found myself in are partly my doing. But, what took me a while to realise was that I picked guys that were unavailable - whether they had girlfriends (so were physically and emotionally unavailable to me or whether they were just physically available to me and completely unavailable to me emotionally.) Either way, I’ve realised I can’t handle a guy being interested in me. I literally can’t handle it, it makes me question them and think they’re doing it all for a joke and even if I know they aren’t and I know for a fact they like me, I still detach myself and find faults in their personality because I can’t deal with anyone liking me (no matter how much I want it) - I know that I am no where near good enough, or even deserve someone who will or even does love/like me.
I know it all sounds terribly cliche, but I’ve lived in this shadow of self consciousness for far too long, if people don’t like me for me I know I shouldn’t give a fuck but when you’re treated like you are ‘a bit of fun on the side’ or just some kinda play thing with no emotions, you’re seriously gonna start believing it. Just like I did last week, just like I did months ago and just like I do right now. Clearly, I am not what guys look for in a relationship, clearly, I surround myself with unavailable men because I am too scared of finding a guy who is willing to start a relationship with me because I’m terrified of ending up heartbroken like my parents.
That’s why tonight has been a good night, because I’ve told one of my closest friends all this shit and we’ve never been closer. However, tonight has been one of the worst nights because I told one of my closest friends all this shit and I feel incredibly vulnerable - like I won’t be able to look her in the eye.
I’m embarrassed, self conscious and feel like I’m never going to get the happiness I want, but I like to think I’ll keep trying, even if it means that more of these soul-bearing nights’ll happen (although I hope not, you have no idea how long it’s taken me to write this - it’s nearly 05:35am now and I don’t know how much of this feelings/baring your soul bullshit I can go through) - btw when it all gets too much for me emotionally I like to make a joke out of it all, it’s not really bullshit to me, otherwise I wouldn’t be writing this blog.
So, I’m going to leave it there. I know most of you won’t have given a shit about what I wrote here but I just need to get it off my chest because I’m so confused, angry, fucked up right now I don’t know what to do. If you read this far, thank you - you seriously don’t know how much it means to me, and although it’s really cliche to blame your problems on the way your childhood turned out I hope to god that nobody has to go through what I did, you seriously don’t need that kinda baggage!
So thank you again for sticking with me whilst I bared my soul, I love you for that.
P.S. It would really help in all of this if I wasn’t completely head of heels in lust/liking(?)/(love? I don’t even know anymore) with you. It would help if you didn’t have a girlfriend, it would also help if you didn’t confuse me with your mixed signals and your sexy, cocky, gift of the gab talk. I want to see you more than anything, yet I never want to see you again so this ache will go away.
See? FUCKED UP. I guess I’ll never win.
GOODNIGHT.
Wednesday 18 August 2010
So, I know the last post was about only using my blogs to reach out to people; to educate, to inspire etc. But, I could really use some advice myself.
I've recently acquired a person's screen name for both Skype and AIM. Thing is, I got given them by a friend who knows the person; a person whom I don't know.
So, most of you are probably thinking, well what's the problem, right?
Well, the person who's screen names I have is, I suppose, what you could call a 'celebrity'.
Now, I'd just like to add them, have a bit of a chat y'know.
Nothing sordid or anything.
But, I really don't know whether to add them or not.
I don't want to overstep the mark and invade their privacy but at the same time they may not even accept me.
I just don't know what to do.
Help?
P.S I am aware of how pathetic this post is. I may regret posting it at a later date.
If I get some feedback I'll let you know what I decide.
I've recently acquired a person's screen name for both Skype and AIM. Thing is, I got given them by a friend who knows the person; a person whom I don't know.
So, most of you are probably thinking, well what's the problem, right?
Well, the person who's screen names I have is, I suppose, what you could call a 'celebrity'.
Now, I'd just like to add them, have a bit of a chat y'know.
Nothing sordid or anything.
But, I really don't know whether to add them or not.
I don't want to overstep the mark and invade their privacy but at the same time they may not even accept me.
I just don't know what to do.
Help?
P.S I am aware of how pathetic this post is. I may regret posting it at a later date.
If I get some feedback I'll let you know what I decide.
Thursday 29 July 2010
It is easier to be wise for others than for ourselves
So, I've not posted on here in a while; I'm sorry.
I guess, like a lot of people, I kinda got swept away by the other social networking/blogging spaces I have.
I mean is there such a thing as having too many blogs or other methods to communicate with people?
I'm going to have to say yes.
I feel like my life is dictated by the social networking sites or blogs I'm part of.
In total I have 6 accounts - this includes both blogs and social networking sites.
Now, although I don't use two of them I still feel like four is too much.
Whenever I'm at the laptop I find that I go from one site to another in the hope of writing something interesting and what my 'friends' or 'followers' would be interested in reading - after all, they're the ones who want to know what I have to say otherwise they wouldn't have requested my 'friendship' or 'followed' me.
But, I feel like I really need to ask; do any of them actually care what I have to say?
Does what I write help them make good choices, help them become a better person, help them understand that life isn't always easy?
I want to write something that means something to someone.
I want to be able to actively make a difference in another person's life. Perhaps change their outlook on something or someone or, convince someone that they can follow their dreams, or help a person in need - council them if needed, just lend a helping hand.
But to do this I feel that splitting my time between four different mediums doesn't perhaps do me any justice.
I don't want to be one of those people that posts the same thing on everything because what is the point - these sites are here for different things and to reach people in different ways.
Maybe, I've got this wrong though. Maybe these blogs or social networking sites aren't about your followers or friends. Maybe they really are self indulgent and selfish and all about you.
I guess I'm just one of those people that hope/ed for more from these mediums.
I guess I'd like to stop being so self indulgent and oblivious to other people's needs or opinions or activities.
From now on, I'm going to only write things that I think will help, inspire, advise or teach (and the like).
This is not me thinking that I am above others or, that I think I have some worldly knowledge that my peers do not have but, I think that every person has something to offer - something to teach and something that will inspire.
We put our idols on pedestals and hang on their every word - but all I'm saying is that perhaps everyday idols are the ones that matter. Someone who isn't solely doing it because they've been told to or because they think it will help with their career or album sales.
The everyday people are the ones that DO have the ability to inspire - in a more realistic, more attainable way.
I want to do this for everyone that takes the time to read what I have to say.
Till next time,
J
x
P.S We'll see how long this lasts. Let me tell you - I'm hoping not to inspire people with my laziness - we need more people with more up and go in them.
I know I can't really talk, but I'm working on it! <---- see! I've started already. I hope that my stand against my own laziness will help you stand against your small shortcomings and help you become the person you want to be.
I guess, like a lot of people, I kinda got swept away by the other social networking/blogging spaces I have.
I mean is there such a thing as having too many blogs or other methods to communicate with people?
I'm going to have to say yes.
I feel like my life is dictated by the social networking sites or blogs I'm part of.
In total I have 6 accounts - this includes both blogs and social networking sites.
Now, although I don't use two of them I still feel like four is too much.
Whenever I'm at the laptop I find that I go from one site to another in the hope of writing something interesting and what my 'friends' or 'followers' would be interested in reading - after all, they're the ones who want to know what I have to say otherwise they wouldn't have requested my 'friendship' or 'followed' me.
But, I feel like I really need to ask; do any of them actually care what I have to say?
Does what I write help them make good choices, help them become a better person, help them understand that life isn't always easy?
I want to write something that means something to someone.
I want to be able to actively make a difference in another person's life. Perhaps change their outlook on something or someone or, convince someone that they can follow their dreams, or help a person in need - council them if needed, just lend a helping hand.
But to do this I feel that splitting my time between four different mediums doesn't perhaps do me any justice.
I don't want to be one of those people that posts the same thing on everything because what is the point - these sites are here for different things and to reach people in different ways.
Maybe, I've got this wrong though. Maybe these blogs or social networking sites aren't about your followers or friends. Maybe they really are self indulgent and selfish and all about you.
I guess I'm just one of those people that hope/ed for more from these mediums.
I guess I'd like to stop being so self indulgent and oblivious to other people's needs or opinions or activities.
From now on, I'm going to only write things that I think will help, inspire, advise or teach (and the like).
This is not me thinking that I am above others or, that I think I have some worldly knowledge that my peers do not have but, I think that every person has something to offer - something to teach and something that will inspire.
We put our idols on pedestals and hang on their every word - but all I'm saying is that perhaps everyday idols are the ones that matter. Someone who isn't solely doing it because they've been told to or because they think it will help with their career or album sales.
The everyday people are the ones that DO have the ability to inspire - in a more realistic, more attainable way.
I want to do this for everyone that takes the time to read what I have to say.
Till next time,
J
x
P.S We'll see how long this lasts. Let me tell you - I'm hoping not to inspire people with my laziness - we need more people with more up and go in them.
I know I can't really talk, but I'm working on it! <---- see! I've started already. I hope that my stand against my own laziness will help you stand against your small shortcomings and help you become the person you want to be.
Saturday 1 May 2010
FML my life.
Ok, so I'm gonna bring you up to speed.
A few months ago (I actually can't remember when) I went out with Mike, who's off my course, and his mates in Liverpool. Eventually it ended up being just me, Mike and his friend Mark - who I've met a few times before.
Anyway, we all went back to mine and somehow stuff started to happen between me and Mark - whilst Mike was in the room (:O classy, I know) So then, not long after Mike said he was going to leave because he was tired and Mark stayed with me. Now, Mike hadn't twigged that anything was going on between me and Mark and even when I saw him the next week he never said anything.
So after that, I think I started to have a little crush on Mark. Except Mark has a girlfriend - who he's been with for like four years. Now, I don't advocate cheating because my dad has cheated on my mum and my step-mum - so, I've seen the repercussions. However, I still feel quite bad about doing it. But, not as bad as I feel about the fact that I like him and the fact that if he ever wanted a repeat of that night I would most likely not be able to say no - the thing about Mark is that he's very charming; he's definitely got the talk and he knows how to make me laugh.
Anyway, after that night I didn't see Mark; until last Thursday. Now again it was me, my friend Laura and Mike and his friends - Mark was one of them. Now, once I found out he was there I was thinking shit it might be awkward between us or whatever but, I was looking forward to seeing him again. So when i saw him it was a little bit awkward it was like a obligatory 'alright' and a nod of the head :/
Anyway after a few drinks it was all good and we had a great chat and a bit of banter - as always.
Now, the other friends that were there were Gary, Michael and Adam. Now I've met Gary a few times before also and he works at one of the bars I go to a lot and we've had some good chats and get on. Adam, I only met early on that day but he seemed like a nice guy and really made me laugh & Michael I've never met before although I did send him a 'rude' picture once hahaha. (At Mike and Mark's request of course :P)
Anyway, Laura and I got proper drunk and ended up making a friend that night - when I say friend I mean one of those people you love when you're drunk and you get on great, swap numbers and then never text each other like you say you will. But, it was fun all the same.
Eventually, we left and Laura, Mike, Mark, Gary and Michael came back to mine. We stayed up all night and carried on drinking all night - as we always do whenever Mike and his friends come back. Eventually, Mark had to leave about 8ish because he had work in the afternoon. Nothing happened between me and Mark this time - I hate to admit I was a bit gutted.
Then about an hour later Mike said he wanted to go and get food and sleep so both he and Michael went and Gary decided to stay and watch the rest of the film we had on. As soon as I came back from letting Mike and Michael out Laura decided she was going to go to sleep and left, leaving me and Gary.
It was alright, we were just having a laugh and everything and then he said do you wanna go on chatroulette and I said alright.
I thought this was a bit odd because I've only met him a few times and I don't know it just felt odd. Anyway, he kept bringing up by boobs and how he he'd heard I'd got them out before on chatroulette - you know hinting at me to get them out. I kept saying nooooo I can't, not in front of you etc.
Anyway (sorry, I've realised I've rambled A LOT) eventually it got to the point where he was touching me and I didn't stop him and then we eventually ended up having sex.
As soon as I did it I thought, oh god what have i done. I know I quite like Mark and I wouldn't regret it if I had sex with him but he's got a girlfriend. Thing is though, Gary also has a girlfriend. I know! I'm a 'bad' person - what makes it worse is she works at the same bar that Gary does, the one that I go to a lot! :( I don't even like Gary that way, that's what I don't get and then after he said to me basically did you wanna start something up on the side and i didn't know what to say so I said maybe. Thing is I don't really want to because, one I don't want to be the 'other woman' and two it could make it extremely awkward between us and between me and Mike.
The whole time I kept thinking I can't tell Mike any of this because he'll hate me blah blah blah. So yeah I really don't know what to do if Gary says anything to me!
Right, last bit now - I promise.
Monday night, me, Laura, her boyfriend Anthony, Dan and Mike went to this pub quiz. Now, earlier on in the day we'd decided to jib our lectures off and go sit in a beer garden and drink. So, we got proper drunk - we were drinking from 1:30 till about 5ish then we came back to mine had food and more drink and then went to the quiz and had even more drink - so it's safe to say I was pretty pretty smashed well, we all were.
Ok, things got a bit heavy when Anthony hit Laura in the stomach during an argument before the quiz - the made up but we were all pissed off about this. Now, I love Anthony normally he's great a really nice guy but that night I saw a different side to him. Anyway we all went off to the quiz - we came second!! wooop! - and Anthony said something really degrading about women and I said no don't say that and then we had an argument and I slapped him and then he shoved me. At this point I was pretty fucked off and stormed off out of there - closely followed by Mike who said he was so glad I'd done that and not just taken it. Laura, bless her, was completely oblivious to all this. Anyway to cut this very long story short more arguments were had when Laura found out what Ant did to me, the pub closed and we left; then Ant stormed off in a huff and we all went on to CaVa - the tequila bar. We went in and guess who was working!!!
Gary...AND his girlfriend! FML my life.
All was good, Gary served me - didn't give me a free drink though did he! Bastard. Hahaha, got a discount though ;)
Now, this is where my memory gets properly hazy. Laura says that I hinted to Mike about something to do with me and Gary - I don't remember. Anyway Mike wouldn't leave it alone and basically Laura took him to one side and told him everything - even about Mark. FML my life - or so I thought. Mike was really great about it all and wanted to know all the details hahaha - he's such a gossip! I asked if he hated me and he said no why, they're the ones in the wrong - thank fuck for that!
Shortly after we left and then I slipped off the curb and bashed my ankle and twisted my knee. FML my life...again!
Perfect way to end the night, eh?
So, more stuff happened after like falling out with flatmates etc. and last night I went to CaVa again but I really I cannot be bothered to bore you anymore. Hahaha. Maybe blog later about the rest :)
Till next time,
J
x
A few months ago (I actually can't remember when) I went out with Mike, who's off my course, and his mates in Liverpool. Eventually it ended up being just me, Mike and his friend Mark - who I've met a few times before.
Anyway, we all went back to mine and somehow stuff started to happen between me and Mark - whilst Mike was in the room (:O classy, I know) So then, not long after Mike said he was going to leave because he was tired and Mark stayed with me. Now, Mike hadn't twigged that anything was going on between me and Mark and even when I saw him the next week he never said anything.
So after that, I think I started to have a little crush on Mark. Except Mark has a girlfriend - who he's been with for like four years. Now, I don't advocate cheating because my dad has cheated on my mum and my step-mum - so, I've seen the repercussions. However, I still feel quite bad about doing it. But, not as bad as I feel about the fact that I like him and the fact that if he ever wanted a repeat of that night I would most likely not be able to say no - the thing about Mark is that he's very charming; he's definitely got the talk and he knows how to make me laugh.
Anyway, after that night I didn't see Mark; until last Thursday. Now again it was me, my friend Laura and Mike and his friends - Mark was one of them. Now, once I found out he was there I was thinking shit it might be awkward between us or whatever but, I was looking forward to seeing him again. So when i saw him it was a little bit awkward it was like a obligatory 'alright' and a nod of the head :/
Anyway after a few drinks it was all good and we had a great chat and a bit of banter - as always.
Now, the other friends that were there were Gary, Michael and Adam. Now I've met Gary a few times before also and he works at one of the bars I go to a lot and we've had some good chats and get on. Adam, I only met early on that day but he seemed like a nice guy and really made me laugh & Michael I've never met before although I did send him a 'rude' picture once hahaha. (At Mike and Mark's request of course :P)
Anyway, Laura and I got proper drunk and ended up making a friend that night - when I say friend I mean one of those people you love when you're drunk and you get on great, swap numbers and then never text each other like you say you will. But, it was fun all the same.
Eventually, we left and Laura, Mike, Mark, Gary and Michael came back to mine. We stayed up all night and carried on drinking all night - as we always do whenever Mike and his friends come back. Eventually, Mark had to leave about 8ish because he had work in the afternoon. Nothing happened between me and Mark this time - I hate to admit I was a bit gutted.
Then about an hour later Mike said he wanted to go and get food and sleep so both he and Michael went and Gary decided to stay and watch the rest of the film we had on. As soon as I came back from letting Mike and Michael out Laura decided she was going to go to sleep and left, leaving me and Gary.
It was alright, we were just having a laugh and everything and then he said do you wanna go on chatroulette and I said alright.
I thought this was a bit odd because I've only met him a few times and I don't know it just felt odd. Anyway, he kept bringing up by boobs and how he he'd heard I'd got them out before on chatroulette - you know hinting at me to get them out. I kept saying nooooo I can't, not in front of you etc.
Anyway (sorry, I've realised I've rambled A LOT) eventually it got to the point where he was touching me and I didn't stop him and then we eventually ended up having sex.
As soon as I did it I thought, oh god what have i done. I know I quite like Mark and I wouldn't regret it if I had sex with him but he's got a girlfriend. Thing is though, Gary also has a girlfriend. I know! I'm a 'bad' person - what makes it worse is she works at the same bar that Gary does, the one that I go to a lot! :( I don't even like Gary that way, that's what I don't get and then after he said to me basically did you wanna start something up on the side and i didn't know what to say so I said maybe. Thing is I don't really want to because, one I don't want to be the 'other woman' and two it could make it extremely awkward between us and between me and Mike.
The whole time I kept thinking I can't tell Mike any of this because he'll hate me blah blah blah. So yeah I really don't know what to do if Gary says anything to me!
Right, last bit now - I promise.
Monday night, me, Laura, her boyfriend Anthony, Dan and Mike went to this pub quiz. Now, earlier on in the day we'd decided to jib our lectures off and go sit in a beer garden and drink. So, we got proper drunk - we were drinking from 1:30 till about 5ish then we came back to mine had food and more drink and then went to the quiz and had even more drink - so it's safe to say I was pretty pretty smashed well, we all were.
Ok, things got a bit heavy when Anthony hit Laura in the stomach during an argument before the quiz - the made up but we were all pissed off about this. Now, I love Anthony normally he's great a really nice guy but that night I saw a different side to him. Anyway we all went off to the quiz - we came second!! wooop! - and Anthony said something really degrading about women and I said no don't say that and then we had an argument and I slapped him and then he shoved me. At this point I was pretty fucked off and stormed off out of there - closely followed by Mike who said he was so glad I'd done that and not just taken it. Laura, bless her, was completely oblivious to all this. Anyway to cut this very long story short more arguments were had when Laura found out what Ant did to me, the pub closed and we left; then Ant stormed off in a huff and we all went on to CaVa - the tequila bar. We went in and guess who was working!!!
Gary...AND his girlfriend! FML my life.
All was good, Gary served me - didn't give me a free drink though did he! Bastard. Hahaha, got a discount though ;)
Now, this is where my memory gets properly hazy. Laura says that I hinted to Mike about something to do with me and Gary - I don't remember. Anyway Mike wouldn't leave it alone and basically Laura took him to one side and told him everything - even about Mark. FML my life - or so I thought. Mike was really great about it all and wanted to know all the details hahaha - he's such a gossip! I asked if he hated me and he said no why, they're the ones in the wrong - thank fuck for that!
Shortly after we left and then I slipped off the curb and bashed my ankle and twisted my knee. FML my life...again!
Perfect way to end the night, eh?
So, more stuff happened after like falling out with flatmates etc. and last night I went to CaVa again but I really I cannot be bothered to bore you anymore. Hahaha. Maybe blog later about the rest :)
Till next time,
J
x
Wednesday 21 April 2010
This Is War
Haven't posted in a while, sorry.
Wow, last post was a bit heavy! Don't know what I was thinking, just in one of those moods I guess.
Back at Uni now and I honestly thought I'd feel great being back, but it's a bit shit. I like the freedom and not having to worry about anyone but myself (selfish, I know) but, half my course are stranded in Portugal, my first lecture back we get bollocked and my flat is practically empty!!!!!
Just kinda wish I was at home again.
Keep thinking about the summer now and how much stuff I've got planned and then next year at uni should be better in terms of living arrangements and my course!
WE FINALLY GET TO PICK OUR MODULES! THANK FUCK!
I've picked mine for the Comms side:
Semester 1: Hollywood Cinema and Language and Culture
Semester 2: Research Methods in Communication and Media (had to pick this if I wanna do a dissertation in my 3rd year!) and Investigative Journalism.
Just need to pick my music modules now and then I'm away! :)
Dead excited.
Today, I found out I'm going on tourrrrrrrrrr! Woohoo!
Katie, said that Dissolvedin/The Lost Boys (yep they've changed their name) are going on tour in July - all booked and there's a space in the van for me :) GET IN!
It's a 10 day tour round the country and I plan on getting absolutely hammered and obviously take note of what's going on.. :P
July couldn't come quick enough if you ask me!
Till next time,
J
x
Wow, last post was a bit heavy! Don't know what I was thinking, just in one of those moods I guess.
Back at Uni now and I honestly thought I'd feel great being back, but it's a bit shit. I like the freedom and not having to worry about anyone but myself (selfish, I know) but, half my course are stranded in Portugal, my first lecture back we get bollocked and my flat is practically empty!!!!!
Just kinda wish I was at home again.
Keep thinking about the summer now and how much stuff I've got planned and then next year at uni should be better in terms of living arrangements and my course!
WE FINALLY GET TO PICK OUR MODULES! THANK FUCK!
I've picked mine for the Comms side:
Semester 1: Hollywood Cinema and Language and Culture
Semester 2: Research Methods in Communication and Media (had to pick this if I wanna do a dissertation in my 3rd year!) and Investigative Journalism.
Just need to pick my music modules now and then I'm away! :)
Dead excited.
Today, I found out I'm going on tourrrrrrrrrr! Woohoo!
Katie, said that Dissolvedin/The Lost Boys (yep they've changed their name) are going on tour in July - all booked and there's a space in the van for me :) GET IN!
It's a 10 day tour round the country and I plan on getting absolutely hammered and obviously take note of what's going on.. :P
July couldn't come quick enough if you ask me!
Till next time,
J
x
Tuesday 13 April 2010
blah, blah, blah
Hey, you! Just fuck off, ok?
Buh-bye now.
Other news, fuck knows what's happening this week.
- Cancelling photoshoot.
- Fuck knows if Manc is still on.
- Looks like I won't be seeing Katie tomorrow.
- Planet on Sat cancelled.
- Dan's fucking off to Becky's again this weekend so won't see him properly before going back to uni.
- Don't know if I'll see my stepmum, brother and sister before going back to uni.
- Essay in for next Monday not started- am I arsed atm? Fuck no.
In an insanely fucked off mood at the moment.
Fuck knows why, don't fucking care either.
But what fucks me off the most is that I keep thinking about when I'm going to see you again. It's been months since I saw you. I know it's not serious and I don't want it to be. In fact it/we shouldn't be anything at all. I don't want to be the bitch in this. I know what it's like when someone else gets involved and I know the consequences.
But, next time I see you I know I won't be able to resist; that's if it's even like the last time...
However, at the same time, I couldn't give a fuck about you either.
CONFUSED.COM
Buh-bye now.
Other news, fuck knows what's happening this week.
- Cancelling photoshoot.
- Fuck knows if Manc is still on.
- Looks like I won't be seeing Katie tomorrow.
- Planet on Sat cancelled.
- Dan's fucking off to Becky's again this weekend so won't see him properly before going back to uni.
- Don't know if I'll see my stepmum, brother and sister before going back to uni.
- Essay in for next Monday not started- am I arsed atm? Fuck no.
In an insanely fucked off mood at the moment.
Fuck knows why, don't fucking care either.
But what fucks me off the most is that I keep thinking about when I'm going to see you again. It's been months since I saw you. I know it's not serious and I don't want it to be. In fact it/we shouldn't be anything at all. I don't want to be the bitch in this. I know what it's like when someone else gets involved and I know the consequences.
But, next time I see you I know I won't be able to resist; that's if it's even like the last time...
However, at the same time, I couldn't give a fuck about you either.
CONFUSED.COM
Friday 9 April 2010
this aint a love song
Uh Oh.
Turns out the exciting news may be short-lived.
C'mon Jake get your priorities right and stop messing about before she starts to lose interest!
J
x
Turns out the exciting news may be short-lived.
C'mon Jake get your priorities right and stop messing about before she starts to lose interest!
J
x
hard to swallow nasty habits
TONSILLITIS.com
Kills today and I'm finally seeing what the Dr. was talking about when he said they had craters in them.
D.I.S.G.U.S.T.I.N.G.
Shame I've nearly finished the drugs for it.
Smoking doesn't help but, it's hard to swallow nasty habits.
All that being said, I'm getting on it tonight...hopefully!
Last night, I went out for a curry with my dad, nanna and great nanna - it was really nice, really enjoyed it.
When, I got back I sat and chatted with mummy for a bit and whilst chatting I had a facebook friend request from an extremely gorgeous Turkish man that my ex-teacher (and I suppose friend) knows. God knows why he added me but watch this space!
Tried to watch Inglorious Basterds last night, not very successfully mind. I wasn't paying much attention because Katie was telling me some very exciting news about a certain guy so I ended up chatting to her about that for a while. Honestly if this all works out between them it could be magic! :)
I shall try again over the weekend to watch IB though because from what I saw it does look good.
Today, I'm going to Kidderminster with Grandma- so should probably get ready.
Till next time,
J
x
Kills today and I'm finally seeing what the Dr. was talking about when he said they had craters in them.
D.I.S.G.U.S.T.I.N.G.
Shame I've nearly finished the drugs for it.
Smoking doesn't help but, it's hard to swallow nasty habits.
All that being said, I'm getting on it tonight...hopefully!
Last night, I went out for a curry with my dad, nanna and great nanna - it was really nice, really enjoyed it.
When, I got back I sat and chatted with mummy for a bit and whilst chatting I had a facebook friend request from an extremely gorgeous Turkish man that my ex-teacher (and I suppose friend) knows. God knows why he added me but watch this space!
Tried to watch Inglorious Basterds last night, not very successfully mind. I wasn't paying much attention because Katie was telling me some very exciting news about a certain guy so I ended up chatting to her about that for a while. Honestly if this all works out between them it could be magic! :)
I shall try again over the weekend to watch IB though because from what I saw it does look good.
Today, I'm going to Kidderminster with Grandma- so should probably get ready.
Till next time,
J
x
Only in Britain!
Cannot believe this was last week and then you check out the post below and that was today! We live in a fucked up world!
Till next time,
J
x
Sunshine
Today the sunshine was beautiful. This was taken it in it's last moments of the day, hopefully it shall be back tomorrow!
Thursday 8 April 2010
Summer Sun
Yesterday me and Amelia drove up to Manchester to drop off stuff at her flat. It was really ace to go for a drive and as always have a few laughs along the way.
We both realised that we're probably going to get dementia - if we haven't got it already!
We also learnt that radio stations nowadays are full of shit. After flicking through our normal radio stations we realised that they all play the same songs on repeat.
Another thing that fucked me off, is that Kerrang! Radio doesn't even play rock music anymore. C'mon Kerrang! get your priorities right, I mean Alanis Morisette? Seriously? Fuck Off.
Later we tuned into ROCK FM hoping to her something a bit heavier than the likes of The Killers, Kids In Glass Houses, You Me At Six etc. but what did we get? Adam fucking Lambert! GetItRight!
Anyway, the sun decided to come out and play yesterday! About fucking time! We were loving it!
Last night Dan and I were supposed to be going to see Deb, Dan and Aimee but that got cancelled - apparently we're going to go to the pub next week instead - so I went to the cinema with Amelia instead. Saw Remember Me again. Love that film, it's sad and a bit depressing throughout - God I'm so cheery.
Haha, we decided to start an argument in the middle of the cinema - which was hilarious! lmao.
Stayed at Amelia's again last night, it's like a second home! haha.
SUNSHINE IS OUT TODAY!
Not a cloud in the sky. Been working in the garden catching some rays. LOVEIT!
Tonight, I'm going out for tea with my Dad and Nanna again. Should be good, same place as last week.
The next couple of days sound good. Maybe Safari Park on Saturday. Winner! :)
Off to enjoy the summer sun now; in a bizzle
Till next time,
J
x
P.S DISCLAIMER: All bands mentioned in this post I do like on some level but I just wish they weren't dominating rock radio & yes, I don't mind a bit of Alanis Morisette...oh god, I think I just sold my soul.
We both realised that we're probably going to get dementia - if we haven't got it already!
We also learnt that radio stations nowadays are full of shit. After flicking through our normal radio stations we realised that they all play the same songs on repeat.
Another thing that fucked me off, is that Kerrang! Radio doesn't even play rock music anymore. C'mon Kerrang! get your priorities right, I mean Alanis Morisette? Seriously? Fuck Off.
Later we tuned into ROCK FM hoping to her something a bit heavier than the likes of The Killers, Kids In Glass Houses, You Me At Six etc. but what did we get? Adam fucking Lambert! GetItRight!
Anyway, the sun decided to come out and play yesterday! About fucking time! We were loving it!
Last night Dan and I were supposed to be going to see Deb, Dan and Aimee but that got cancelled - apparently we're going to go to the pub next week instead - so I went to the cinema with Amelia instead. Saw Remember Me again. Love that film, it's sad and a bit depressing throughout - God I'm so cheery.
Haha, we decided to start an argument in the middle of the cinema - which was hilarious! lmao.
Stayed at Amelia's again last night, it's like a second home! haha.
SUNSHINE IS OUT TODAY!
Not a cloud in the sky. Been working in the garden catching some rays. LOVEIT!
Tonight, I'm going out for tea with my Dad and Nanna again. Should be good, same place as last week.
The next couple of days sound good. Maybe Safari Park on Saturday. Winner! :)
Off to enjoy the summer sun now; in a bizzle
Till next time,
J
x
P.S DISCLAIMER: All bands mentioned in this post I do like on some level but I just wish they weren't dominating rock radio & yes, I don't mind a bit of Alanis Morisette...oh god, I think I just sold my soul.
Tuesday 6 April 2010
I'll Sleep When I'm Dead
Was up till 05:00AM this morning - sleeping pattern is royally fucked.
Walked the dogs with Amelia today and then took the car for a wash - it's funny how we just laugh at the most stupid things ever.
"What's he doing now?" "Waving his snake around"
"Ohh what a..dickhead"
haha. legendary times.
Going to Manc tomorrow with Amelia. GIRLS ON TOUR.
Till next time,
J
x
Walked the dogs with Amelia today and then took the car for a wash - it's funny how we just laugh at the most stupid things ever.
"What's he doing now?" "Waving his snake around"
"Ohh what a..dickhead"
haha. legendary times.
Going to Manc tomorrow with Amelia. GIRLS ON TOUR.
Till next time,
J
x
Thank You
Dan's out of hospital.
CT scans came back fine, we still don't know what caused the fits but at least he's home now.
Can't wait to see him, apparently he's a lot more himself now and doesn't remember anything from the seizures, which in the long run is probably a good thing.
Honestly, a great weight has been lifted now.
Today, I've been mega lazy. Didn't get up till about 14:30 and then just lazed around at home whilst mum did some cooking haha. She made baked lemon cheesecake and apple pie. By the time I get back to uni I'm going to be even more whale like! Seriously; bless her though she does do a mean job in the kitchen.
So, tonight we went for a meal at Gary's. First time Gary has ever cooked for me and it was super tasty. Mum's pudding went down a treat after too.
Then went for a lovely drink with the girlies after watching a bit of (500) Days of Summer (again!) with the fam.
Eventful drive home, whilst myself and Amelia were have a sneakysnig we got scared on the pub car park (silly I know, but we fall into the habit of scaring each other in situations like that) so in the rush to get in the car and lock ourselves in, Amelia's door wouldn't close so she had to hold onto the door all the way back haha. Now, it was quite funny but as always our minds ran away with us and we started thinking what if a car goes by really fast and causes the door to fling open - to which I said I'd grab you mate and she said good I'm glad, haha. Then I realised if I'd do that we'd veer off the road so I told her and she said that's probably true and then we'd crash and die. Honestly, we're worst when we're together! haha. Still mega funny though. Turns out in our rush to get back in the car a part of Amelia's keyring had got stuck in the door handle outside - therefore stopping it from letting the door close! Haha. What silly girls we are!
On another note, haven't felt too chipper tonight but still enjoyed the catch-up! Tonsillitis feels a lot better, still taking the antibiotics.
Now watching Frank Skinner Live at the NIA. Haha, proper funny. Check it out!
Anyways,
Till next time,
J
x
CT scans came back fine, we still don't know what caused the fits but at least he's home now.
Can't wait to see him, apparently he's a lot more himself now and doesn't remember anything from the seizures, which in the long run is probably a good thing.
Honestly, a great weight has been lifted now.
Today, I've been mega lazy. Didn't get up till about 14:30 and then just lazed around at home whilst mum did some cooking haha. She made baked lemon cheesecake and apple pie. By the time I get back to uni I'm going to be even more whale like! Seriously; bless her though she does do a mean job in the kitchen.
So, tonight we went for a meal at Gary's. First time Gary has ever cooked for me and it was super tasty. Mum's pudding went down a treat after too.
Then went for a lovely drink with the girlies after watching a bit of (500) Days of Summer (again!) with the fam.
Eventful drive home, whilst myself and Amelia were have a sneakysnig we got scared on the pub car park (silly I know, but we fall into the habit of scaring each other in situations like that) so in the rush to get in the car and lock ourselves in, Amelia's door wouldn't close so she had to hold onto the door all the way back haha. Now, it was quite funny but as always our minds ran away with us and we started thinking what if a car goes by really fast and causes the door to fling open - to which I said I'd grab you mate and she said good I'm glad, haha. Then I realised if I'd do that we'd veer off the road so I told her and she said that's probably true and then we'd crash and die. Honestly, we're worst when we're together! haha. Still mega funny though. Turns out in our rush to get back in the car a part of Amelia's keyring had got stuck in the door handle outside - therefore stopping it from letting the door close! Haha. What silly girls we are!
On another note, haven't felt too chipper tonight but still enjoyed the catch-up! Tonsillitis feels a lot better, still taking the antibiotics.
Now watching Frank Skinner Live at the NIA. Haha, proper funny. Check it out!
Anyways,
Till next time,
J
x
Sunday 4 April 2010
family values
Still no news about Dan even though I've asked the fam about it, but they've not replied so we're still waiting this end.
Genuinely don't know how to feel about this.. I really just hope he's ok.
As for the my dad and stepmum spliting up - I definitely don't think they'll get back together. She didn't even tell him that Dan had gone into hospital, he had to find out secondhand which obviously isn't right - but she had her reasons and Dan is her main concern. I only hope that me and our Dan can be there for her and support her as much as we can.
Tonight, I went to my Nannas for a Sunday lunch with my Dad (who's living with her atm) and my Great Nanna. Was a really nice evening but as normal when everyone's had a glass of wine of two it ending in tears about things that have happened over the last decade. Things I barely remember.
Being in that house makes me truly sad because everything is a constant reminder of my Grandad. How can you miss someone your barely remember or knew so much. God, I wish he was here.
My Dad, royally upset me tonight. He said that he didn't care about helping me out with like picking me up from Uni etc. now, my nanna says he's lying and he does care but my dad says that my uncle has picked me up more times and that I never call him. But I'm sorry dad it swings both ways. You never call me, you didn't even call me to tell me you split up with your wife and you always blew me off when I came home - even when I gave you a weeks notice about me being back. So fuck you. Fuck you big time.
Right, off to watch Lost and then (500) Days of Summer to get my mind off things.
Till next time,
J
x
Genuinely don't know how to feel about this.. I really just hope he's ok.
As for the my dad and stepmum spliting up - I definitely don't think they'll get back together. She didn't even tell him that Dan had gone into hospital, he had to find out secondhand which obviously isn't right - but she had her reasons and Dan is her main concern. I only hope that me and our Dan can be there for her and support her as much as we can.
Tonight, I went to my Nannas for a Sunday lunch with my Dad (who's living with her atm) and my Great Nanna. Was a really nice evening but as normal when everyone's had a glass of wine of two it ending in tears about things that have happened over the last decade. Things I barely remember.
Being in that house makes me truly sad because everything is a constant reminder of my Grandad. How can you miss someone your barely remember or knew so much. God, I wish he was here.
My Dad, royally upset me tonight. He said that he didn't care about helping me out with like picking me up from Uni etc. now, my nanna says he's lying and he does care but my dad says that my uncle has picked me up more times and that I never call him. But I'm sorry dad it swings both ways. You never call me, you didn't even call me to tell me you split up with your wife and you always blew me off when I came home - even when I gave you a weeks notice about me being back. So fuck you. Fuck you big time.
Right, off to watch Lost and then (500) Days of Summer to get my mind off things.
Till next time,
J
x
into the void
Dan had another seizure through the night.
Still don't know what's causing them and if he'll be ok.
Fingers crossed we'll get some good news soon.
Love you Dan.
Till next time,
J
x
Still don't know what's causing them and if he'll be ok.
Fingers crossed we'll get some good news soon.
Love you Dan.
Till next time,
J
x
The Downward Spiral
Just found out my stepbrother was taken into hospital today because he had a seizure.
Apparently he's staying in hospital overnight and should be home tomorrow.
It all seems to have come out the blue - Aimee said that he'd been feeling off all day and then around 8ish he collapsed on the floor and had a fit in front of his mum, Aimee and his girlfriend.
Hope he gets better soon. Love you Dan.
In other news, went to the clinic - I've got tonsillitis so hopefully with the antibiotics I'm taking it'll go soon!
Remember Me was heart-wrenching at the end and really harrowing to watch throughout - I really loved it! :)
Also loved the new Doctor Who surprisingly. Still Matt Smith is no David Ten-inch. Fact.
Sunday dinner with Dad tomorrow - should be good.
Right off to bed.
Till next time,
J
x
Apparently he's staying in hospital overnight and should be home tomorrow.
It all seems to have come out the blue - Aimee said that he'd been feeling off all day and then around 8ish he collapsed on the floor and had a fit in front of his mum, Aimee and his girlfriend.
Hope he gets better soon. Love you Dan.
In other news, went to the clinic - I've got tonsillitis so hopefully with the antibiotics I'm taking it'll go soon!
Remember Me was heart-wrenching at the end and really harrowing to watch throughout - I really loved it! :)
Also loved the new Doctor Who surprisingly. Still Matt Smith is no David Ten-inch. Fact.
Sunday dinner with Dad tomorrow - should be good.
Right off to bed.
Till next time,
J
x
Saturday 3 April 2010
Morning After Dark
Ok, just a few more blogs and you're up to date.
28th March 2010
Ok, so I've not blogged since Friday and I have a lot to tell you.
To start, went to Manchester and I was dead excited seemed to take an age to get there! Just before I got on the train Katie told me that her's was delated so she wouldn't be getting in to Manchester till 18:45 instead of 18:20 as planned.
When I arrived at Manchester Piccadilly I had to wait for Katie to get in only to find that the train had stopped and she was going to be even later.
So, I got some food and some cigarettes and gorged on both :P
Then Katie's train arrived and I met her at the platform - was so ace to finally meet her, she was lovely.
Off to Sainsbury's we went and basically bought them out of all the alcohol they had! haha - we were definitely getting on it at the hotel!
Got to the Britannia and OMG the service is so slow! Finally got into ours rooms and they were beautiful! Definitely worth £63!
Dumped our stuff and went to meet the guys - they were so drunk so I knew it was gonna be an epic night!
I got really wasted and ended up going to my room with one of Jake's friends Damien - and lets just say we didn't really talk...
Then when the guys went out they set off the fire alarm in the hotel - so everyone had to be evacuated!! I had no shoes on and we were so scared we were gonna get the blame that we went for a walk around Manc - ripped all my tights because of it! :(
Finally got back to the hotel after three fire engines were called and got in the room to do some work - only we ended up just carrying on drinking and having a good ole gossip.
Later on the guys came back even more drunk and now apparently high - not really remembering much from Satan's. haha legends.
So we just carried on drinking and partying it up.
Then myself and Ben went round the hotel - left Damien in my bed (although I got the impression he didn't want me to leave!) - Ben lit up round the hotel and was smoking then he got told off so we went outside and then when we came back in the porter said he'd have to chuck him out if he walked around half naked again! haha oh dear.
Then we got back and went in Katie's room and just hung around chatting - by this time it was 06:00am, so Katie and Jake sent me and Ben out to get Maccies breakfast! By the time we got back they were fast asleep.
So finally at about 08:00 me and Ben joined Damien in bed and honestly that sleep was the best!
Finally got up around 11:00 - checkout was at 11!!! :O - and we didn't leave till about 12:00 but they locked me out of my room and all my stuff and some of Ben's and Damien's were in there too so I had to go down and ask them to let me in which they did - but then whilst we were all in my room they blocked Katie's card so Ben couldn't get the rest of his stuff from in there so he had to go down and sort that all out! - by this time it was 12:30ish and I had to be on a train and back in Liverpool before 13:30 -wasn't gonna happen!
Finally got on the train at 13:07 and told mum it had been delayed, oops.
Then, arrived in Liverpool at 14:00 and went a finished packing then headed home :)
Rest of Saturday was pretty standard, saw Amelia for a bit told her about the night before. Saw the grandparents and just chillaxed.
Went to the pub tonight to catch up with everyone. Was good. Nice to be home and it's funny how you slip right back into your old life when you're here. Miss Liverpool though.
Till next time,
J
x
29th March 2010
Today, I've been mainly feeling like shit. Seriously, haven't got rid of this sick feeling all day.
Was supposed to be going to Cardiff with Katie tomorrow - she said she's got some personal stuff to deal with - mainly about her and her ex-bf's flat- but that isn't happening now so a bit gutted.
BUT, today the Reading/Leeds line-up was announced! BLINK 182!!!!! Dead excited. Got my Reading day ticket for Sunday to go with the brother and his gf - gonna be sick!
My bank account has took a proper beating the last few days - Dan and Becky better pay me back!
On another note - been back from Uni and Manchester two days now and I've still not unpacked! FML! Reaaaaaaally cannot be arsed!
Till next time,
J
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30th March 2010
Still feel really ill - starting to worry about it now, hopefully it'll just go away because I can't be dealing with this shit. Thing is the more I worry the sicker I feel but I can't help but worry...it's an never-ending cycle.
Anyway, today I found out that another night of madness in Manchester is on the cards. 16th April baby - Radisson! Get in! Gonna be messy.
Right, off for a drive with Amelia :)
Till next time,
J
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30th March 2010
Drive with Amelia was good - went everywhere and had a good old chat about recent events :)
Apparently, I'm going to Leeds tomorrow! Last minute, I know but that's how my life seems to be at the moment so I'm just going with it.
Katie's prepping for a meeting on Thursday and wants me to come help out and keep her company. Gonna be amazing.
Right, need sleep - gotta be up at the crack o'dawn!
Till next time,
J
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31st March 2010
In the Radisson in Leeds. Sick.
Till next time,
J
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31st March 2010
Just got back from Leeds. Today was pretty sweet. Hung out with Katie - couldn't get much done about planning the tour as the info we needed wasn't available :( still nice to hang out and chat until Jake arrived.
Katie told me more stories about her and the ex - all sounds like a whirlwind romance, I tells you. I have a feeling they'll work it out though..
Also, today I've realised once again what a shithole Wolverhampton is. Full of drunks and junkies as well - and they're not even the nice friendly ones! Never felt quite so scared sitting in that bus stop - glad to be home after that.
Haven't felt as sick today - good sign? I hope so. Still waiting though..
Till next time,
J
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1st April 2010
Today I found out why I've been feeling so ill - I'm pregnant.
Shit.
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-
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APRIL FOOLS!!!!
I'm not pregnant.
But, today I did manage to break my iPod by dropping it in the fucking toilet! FMFL!
I might actually die without it - no exaggeration.
Also, have an insanely bad throat today - tonsilitus? Probably.
Off for a curry in a bit with the pa, bro and nana - should be good.
Till next time,
J
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2nd April 2010
Going to York with the Fam today - should be a top day.
Shopping <3
Till next time,
J
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3rd April 2010
Finally I have internet at home!! Waheyyy! Expect more frequent blogging now.
York was wonderful yesterday - such a beautiful city.
Lovely to spend time with the family too and had such a wonderful meal at Betty's Tea Rooms :)
Clinic today.
Cinema later to see Remember Me - shall report back tomorrow.
Till next time,
J
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P.S I dodged the bullet.
Friday 2 April 2010
Snakes and Ladders
So, here's a few more of the blogs I promised.
23rd March 2010
So, turns out Dan the lead singer in DissolvedIN the band that Katie works with most isn't going to be around tomorrow so the meeting has been cancelled. G.U.T.T.E.D.
I was well looking forward to it, but oh well I told her that after Uni finishes this week I'm free for the next three weeks if she's got anything going on.
I hope that it will happen because I've got really excited about this and I want to get involved in the industry.
Anyway, I can't wait for Saturday now. Looking forward to getting home and seeing everyone I kinda miss my old life.
Till next time,
J
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24th March 2010
So, today has royally sucked. Instead of spending the day in London/Reading or even Sheffield I slept all day because of my fucked up sleeping pattern. Now it's 21:30 and I'm not even close to being tired so the cycle continues.
Also, Josh my flatmate, has gone away on a field trip today and I didn't get the chance to say goodbye. Oops. See you in three weeks Griffiths!
Anyway, after a really shit day I'm gonna try and get back into watching Lost to cheer me up :) WINERRRRRR.
Laters.
Till next time,
J
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25th March 2010
Today is my last day of lectures before Easter. Really cannot be arsed to go in but wants to say goodbye to people.
Till next time,
J
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25th March 2010
So, the lectures today were pretty pointless and half my course weren't in but it was still nice to say bye to the people that turned up and of course had my daily banter with Samuel.
I love when you find a friend who you can just take the piss out of and wind up and no matter what you know none of it will be taken to heart - you both know it's a joke.
Just me and Ben in the flat atm. Good job we're getting on.
Still, only one more day and I'm back home :) GET IN!
Must pack tomorrow or mother will kill me.
Till next time,
J
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25th March 2010
OMG. Katie just tweeted me and asked if I was up for a party in Manchester tomorrow with a couple of her friends. HELL YES!
Staying at the Britannia Hotel :) Canny wait to finally meet her!
I can't believe how well we get on and I've not even met her in the flesh yet.
EXCITED.com
Till next time,
J
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26th March 2010
Ok, so I'm officially shit.
Mum's coming to mine tomorrow for 13:30 and I'm going to Manc at like 17:25 today - I've not packed for home yet and I've not packed for Manc - again fuck you sleeping pattern!
Need to get a move onnnnnn.
Still, dead excited though - apparently Katie's friend Jake is bringing a mate who'll need some female attention ;) - Now I'm bricking it.
Right, need to prep - probs blog later.
Till next time,
J
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26th March 2010
Finished prepping for tonight *winkwink* :P
Starting packing for home now - I mean I've chucked some shoes and a few tops in suitcase without looking.
Manc stuff is being sorted now - eeeeeeeeeeeeeee can't wait to get there - it's gonna be so much fun.
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Shit.
Just found out that my Dad and Stepmum have split up.
Now it was my stepmum's decision and my dad didn't do anything wrong (this time) but it's because of his past indiscretions that they've split up now. - apparently she couldn't get over it and that they should never have got back together after the last time.
I told her it was the right decision and that I love her and Dan and Aimee and she won't lose contact with me and my brother Dan. (Yes, I have two brothers called Dan - confusing I know)
I'm still really gutted- I love that woman - but will see her next week hopefully.
Right, I'm off to Manchester now. Won't blog till tomorrow.
Till next time,
J
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Only a few more to come now and then I can start posting my new stuff :)
Till next time guys,
J
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Thursday 1 April 2010
could this be the start of something great?
Ok, so here are some of the blogs I promised I'd upload - with the dates they were written. Enjoy.
20th March 2010
Ok, so after a few weeks of seeing obsessive fans posts about a certain frontman’s love life I decided to check out what was all the fuss.
From this I found that a girl named Katie was/is in a relationship with this singer or according to his fans ‘may have fucked him’.
But, what was most interesting wasn’t the fact she might have been or was with this man but it was the fact that she was my age and she was a band/tour manager, clothing company designer and owner, alternative model and even owned her own record label.
Now, with me being a student in Communication, Media and Popular Music I was certainly intrigued in finding out how she managed to get where she was, how she started in the business and if she had any jobs going.
So, tonight I emailed her.
It was one of my usual nights where I couldn’t sleep and I just thought I’d take the opportunity to email her on the email she left me on the devil’s site Formspring.me
To my great surprise she emailed back almost straight away; after general introductions and me stating what I was interested in we exchanged AIMs to chat more conveniently.
So of course we started chatting straight away and really hit it off.
Katie said that I was ‘full on’ and that I’d get to sit in on meetings for both the music and clothing side and that I was welcome to come along to as much of it as I would like - even when she was just sat around designing with her boyfriend, friends and associates. The whole time I was thinking HELL YES! This is going to be amazing.
Further to us chatting she chose to confide in me and tell me about her boyfriend -who by the way sounds like a right babe and I can’t wait to meet him.
Honestly, the chat just kept getting better and better and I really can't wait to see her in the flesh and get the ball rolling with possible work.
Katie says that there are meetings next week with Kerrang! Which she’s invited me along to.
Honestly.Cannot.Wait.
Will report back with more later
Till next time,
J
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21st March 2010
Well, today like most of my weekends at Uni I spent all day sleeping after staying up most of the night to talk to Katie - mind you I wasn’t tired anyway.
My sleeping pattern is fucked! Seriously. I think I’m slowly developing some sort of insomnia.
Sometimes I feel like I’m wasting my life away. I feel like I’m either walking around in my own little world because I’m too fucked or too tired - I can see I’m only going to scrape through this year at Uni and although that’s fine I’ve had it drilled into me that that is not good enough. Hence why I want to do something that I know I will enjoy with some sound as fuck people and maybe get somewhere where my family will actually be proud of me and not see me as a disappointment for not studying a traditional subject.
But, oh well I’m gonna try and do something for me for once after all I’m the only one who can make something of my life.
Anyway - sorry for the deep meaningful mumbo jumbo just needed to get a couple of things off my chest.
Till next time,
J
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21st March 2010
So, tonight I went for cocktails with my lovely friend Laura and her on/off boyfriend Anthony. Was really good to go out with them as to be honest I haven’t really been that sociable lately - I just haven’t been in the mood to go out and have had a ton of work to do. Really cannot wait for Easter just to relax and not have to worry about deadlines.
Anywho, yeah cocktails. I’ve made it my mission to try every cocktail on the menu at The Font either by the end of this year or at least by the time I finish Uni.
So after getting incredibly fucked off of copious amounts of alcohol Laura and I went to get food whilst Anthony picked up. God, I’ve not had green in what seems like forever!!! So, I was looking forward to a joint or two buttttttt, Anthony fucked off somewhere so I didn’t get any :(
Whilst this was happening I spoke to Katie on Twitter; she told me to get on AIM as she needed someone to talk to and to expect bad news. I knew this couldn’t be good.
Anyway she told me she’s split up with her boyfriend that day after he said something really inappropriate. I’m really gutted for her because even though I know I’ve only been speaking to her for one day but I know she really loves him; it’s obvious. I just hope he gets his act together and apologizes and they can get back on track.
But I plan on cheering her up from now on, especially Wednesday when I see her for the first time - turns out we’re going to London or Reading. Hopefully London; not been for ages.
Told my friends about the work experience because I was too excited to keep it to myself - everyone is really jealous and wants to know what I’m doing, where I’m going, who I’ll meet etc. To be honest - I don’t care if I meet anyone famous or not, yeah It’d be cool but I’m in it for the music and the chance to make a difference in people’s lives. That’s why I’m doing this, that’s why I’m excited.
Till next time,
J
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22nd March 2010
So, the plans for Wednesday are indefinite at the moment. Still, don't know what time I need to be in London or what is actually going on but that's fine I'm still dead excited to be going. Today I had a lecture on Porn! haha I know right. Was pretty epic to say the least- especially when the lecturer kicked off about me and Sam talking at the back, haha oops.
But yeah it was a pretty interesting lecture and led to some cracking one liners such as "penetration is when you know it's porn"
So yeah, I'll leave you with that in mind.
Till next time,
J
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Ok, that's all I can be bothered to upload atm maybe upload some more later - I'll just do it in installments.
So, till next time
J
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Blogging.
So, I used to have a blog on here before but I completely lost track of posting on it.
Logging into my account was weird because I saw posts from December 2008 and well, it was just odd reading over them again and how much I've changed as a person.
Although I haven't posted on Blogspot for over a year it doesn't mean I haven't been writing down my thoughts since then.
But, there's no point putting them up now because they are irrelevant now.
Maybe later I'll post some from the last couple of weeks as it's been quite interesting to say the least.
So, no matter how you've come across my blog enjoy the read and I'm sorry for my ramblings but this blog is more for me than anything or anyone else because I want to be able to look back on how I've changed in years or even months to come.
So, until then
J
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