Right now, I don't know how to put my feelings into words. I type and then I delete because the words I use never seem enough.
I know that people say that if you've had a crush on someone for more than four months, it's pretty safe to say you are in love with them. But, I've had a crush on Brad Pitt for years so I'm assuming that that isn't love and that is actually a crush. I'm guessing it has something to do with the fact I haven't and never will meet Brad Pitt; he is unobtainable. But, what about this guy who I have had a crush on for probably close to a year now, is that love? I don't see him that often, but when I do, I get butterflies and I smile more and I'm probably a better a version of myself because I want him to like me. Clearly, he likes me - we have spent a fair amount of time together when we have seen each other and we've kissed, among other things ;). One problem, he's got a girlfriend. Now, if you've stuck around my blog for a while then you'll probably guess who I'm talking about. I don't want to say his name in this post because, my feelings have grown so much more since I posted about him originally. I thought that when I went home for the summer my feelings had gone, I've tried to distract myself with other guys but now I've realised, no one else compares. I just really wish I knew what these feelings for him were, whether it is love or just lust. Maybe it's something to do with the fact we get on like a house on fire and have stuff in common, but we also share a sexual chemistry I've never felt with anyone else - I just want to kiss him every time I see him. I supposed what is really holding me back is the fact he has a girlfriend, that and the fact I know he wouldn't leave her for me - that's even if he would want to. We haven't had sex because he told me he didn't think he could sleep with anyone else, and ever since he told me this, I've wanted nothing more than to sleep with him. So, do you think it is because he is unobtainable that I want him so bad? Is it lust for him to like me or is it that I'm in love with him and wish he was in love with me too?
I just wish I understood what it is I hope to gain from this - I don't want to hurt his girlfriend, I don't want to get hurt and I don't want to ruin the friendship that we have, but I seriously can't say no to him. I'm hooked, I'm at his beck and call. If he wanted me to come meet him I would, if he came to my door begging to come in, I couldn't not let him in no matter how much my head told me not to.
If anyone reads this blog, please tell me what you think it is I'm feeling?
I'm so confused and want guidance.
Thursday 14 October 2010
Wednesday 6 October 2010
Took this off my Tumblr, just thought it was better suited for here.
I’m sat here at like 04:12am and I can honestly say it’s been one of the best nights out I’ve had in Liverpool and also one of the worst.
When I normally go out, it involves me, a group of male friends and most of the time my very close female friend. Due to the people I spend most of my drunken hours with I don’t normally spill my deepest darkest insecurities or my true feelings about people because, let’s face it, I’m not that type of girl. I detest anything too soppy or overly romantic; it actually repulses me.
Tonight, however, it involved me and my close female friend getting insanely drunk and having the old girly ‘feelings’ chat. I mean we’ve talked sober and everything but this time, it was completely different. We both talked about things we had never talked about before and exposed our true feelings about certain situations - mostly involving men. I learnt things about her relationships and she learnt things about my - shalll we call them, liaisons? Yes.
Well, to be honest with you, I’ve never felt better. I feel like we have such a better friendship already having opened up to each other in this way. I opened up to her about my commitment issues concerning my ‘unconventional’ upbringing (I put unconventional in ‘_’ because although it was pretty normal I mean it was unconventional in terms of your stereotypical nuclear family kinda shit; the main fact being my family wasn’t and all my friend’s were.)
Over my teenage years, I’ve had to deal with many a family crisis - mainly concerning my dad and his wondering eyes (and hands) - but I’ve also had to deal with my own self confidence issues and what seems like now your stereotypical childhood bullying or character building as some may prefer to call it - although I can honestly say it hasn’t built my character, it’s just made me, for want of a better phrase, completely fucked up.
So ever since then, I’ve been unbelievably concerned - perhaps almost obsessed - with the fact that I’m going to end up alone. I’ve been told constantly by my amazing and absolutely stunning friends that out there somewhere, there is the right man for me. I’ve been told this since Secondary school, “Just you wait till you get to college, there’ll be plenty of new guys that you’ll meet and you’ll get what you finally deserve.” Unfortunately for me there were plenty of guys I met, just none of them interested in me.
So, I went to University last year and I was basically told the same thing again. I’d been at University about a month when I met an Irish guy on a night out. One thing led to another and we ended up sleeping together. Contrary to popular belief this was my first time and although it was fun, as soon as it was over I never wanted to see him again. I just wanted to cut him out of my life and never deal with it. Now, many people would say this is because I just wanted sex and nothing else or I’d slept with him and regretted how my first time was etc. but, no. I wanted someone to want me, but I just couldn’t/can’t deal with my self confidence issues. I didn’t want him to wake up and be sober and have to fake an attraction towards me or see him again and leave him feeling disappointed. Ridiculous I know but, I just couldn’t bear it, I’d rather push him away and hurt his feelings - maybe - than him crush me into a tiny pieces and I’d never be able to recover again.
Eventually, I had sex with other guys and blah blah blah the same kinda shit happened again - I say ‘happened’, I use that term loosely; considering most of these palavers I found myself in are partly my doing. But, what took me a while to realise was that I picked guys that were unavailable - whether they had girlfriends (so were physically and emotionally unavailable to me or whether they were just physically available to me and completely unavailable to me emotionally.) Either way, I’ve realised I can’t handle a guy being interested in me. I literally can’t handle it, it makes me question them and think they’re doing it all for a joke and even if I know they aren’t and I know for a fact they like me, I still detach myself and find faults in their personality because I can’t deal with anyone liking me (no matter how much I want it) - I know that I am no where near good enough, or even deserve someone who will or even does love/like me.
I know it all sounds terribly cliche, but I’ve lived in this shadow of self consciousness for far too long, if people don’t like me for me I know I shouldn’t give a fuck but when you’re treated like you are ‘a bit of fun on the side’ or just some kinda play thing with no emotions, you’re seriously gonna start believing it. Just like I did last week, just like I did months ago and just like I do right now. Clearly, I am not what guys look for in a relationship, clearly, I surround myself with unavailable men because I am too scared of finding a guy who is willing to start a relationship with me because I’m terrified of ending up heartbroken like my parents.
That’s why tonight has been a good night, because I’ve told one of my closest friends all this shit and we’ve never been closer. However, tonight has been one of the worst nights because I told one of my closest friends all this shit and I feel incredibly vulnerable - like I won’t be able to look her in the eye.
I’m embarrassed, self conscious and feel like I’m never going to get the happiness I want, but I like to think I’ll keep trying, even if it means that more of these soul-bearing nights’ll happen (although I hope not, you have no idea how long it’s taken me to write this - it’s nearly 05:35am now and I don’t know how much of this feelings/baring your soul bullshit I can go through) - btw when it all gets too much for me emotionally I like to make a joke out of it all, it’s not really bullshit to me, otherwise I wouldn’t be writing this blog.
So, I’m going to leave it there. I know most of you won’t have given a shit about what I wrote here but I just need to get it off my chest because I’m so confused, angry, fucked up right now I don’t know what to do. If you read this far, thank you - you seriously don’t know how much it means to me, and although it’s really cliche to blame your problems on the way your childhood turned out I hope to god that nobody has to go through what I did, you seriously don’t need that kinda baggage!
So thank you again for sticking with me whilst I bared my soul, I love you for that.
P.S. It would really help in all of this if I wasn’t completely head of heels in lust/liking(?)/(love? I don’t even know anymore) with you. It would help if you didn’t have a girlfriend, it would also help if you didn’t confuse me with your mixed signals and your sexy, cocky, gift of the gab talk. I want to see you more than anything, yet I never want to see you again so this ache will go away.
See? FUCKED UP. I guess I’ll never win.
GOODNIGHT.
When I normally go out, it involves me, a group of male friends and most of the time my very close female friend. Due to the people I spend most of my drunken hours with I don’t normally spill my deepest darkest insecurities or my true feelings about people because, let’s face it, I’m not that type of girl. I detest anything too soppy or overly romantic; it actually repulses me.
Tonight, however, it involved me and my close female friend getting insanely drunk and having the old girly ‘feelings’ chat. I mean we’ve talked sober and everything but this time, it was completely different. We both talked about things we had never talked about before and exposed our true feelings about certain situations - mostly involving men. I learnt things about her relationships and she learnt things about my - shalll we call them, liaisons? Yes.
Well, to be honest with you, I’ve never felt better. I feel like we have such a better friendship already having opened up to each other in this way. I opened up to her about my commitment issues concerning my ‘unconventional’ upbringing (I put unconventional in ‘_’ because although it was pretty normal I mean it was unconventional in terms of your stereotypical nuclear family kinda shit; the main fact being my family wasn’t and all my friend’s were.)
Over my teenage years, I’ve had to deal with many a family crisis - mainly concerning my dad and his wondering eyes (and hands) - but I’ve also had to deal with my own self confidence issues and what seems like now your stereotypical childhood bullying or character building as some may prefer to call it - although I can honestly say it hasn’t built my character, it’s just made me, for want of a better phrase, completely fucked up.
So ever since then, I’ve been unbelievably concerned - perhaps almost obsessed - with the fact that I’m going to end up alone. I’ve been told constantly by my amazing and absolutely stunning friends that out there somewhere, there is the right man for me. I’ve been told this since Secondary school, “Just you wait till you get to college, there’ll be plenty of new guys that you’ll meet and you’ll get what you finally deserve.” Unfortunately for me there were plenty of guys I met, just none of them interested in me.
So, I went to University last year and I was basically told the same thing again. I’d been at University about a month when I met an Irish guy on a night out. One thing led to another and we ended up sleeping together. Contrary to popular belief this was my first time and although it was fun, as soon as it was over I never wanted to see him again. I just wanted to cut him out of my life and never deal with it. Now, many people would say this is because I just wanted sex and nothing else or I’d slept with him and regretted how my first time was etc. but, no. I wanted someone to want me, but I just couldn’t/can’t deal with my self confidence issues. I didn’t want him to wake up and be sober and have to fake an attraction towards me or see him again and leave him feeling disappointed. Ridiculous I know but, I just couldn’t bear it, I’d rather push him away and hurt his feelings - maybe - than him crush me into a tiny pieces and I’d never be able to recover again.
Eventually, I had sex with other guys and blah blah blah the same kinda shit happened again - I say ‘happened’, I use that term loosely; considering most of these palavers I found myself in are partly my doing. But, what took me a while to realise was that I picked guys that were unavailable - whether they had girlfriends (so were physically and emotionally unavailable to me or whether they were just physically available to me and completely unavailable to me emotionally.) Either way, I’ve realised I can’t handle a guy being interested in me. I literally can’t handle it, it makes me question them and think they’re doing it all for a joke and even if I know they aren’t and I know for a fact they like me, I still detach myself and find faults in their personality because I can’t deal with anyone liking me (no matter how much I want it) - I know that I am no where near good enough, or even deserve someone who will or even does love/like me.
I know it all sounds terribly cliche, but I’ve lived in this shadow of self consciousness for far too long, if people don’t like me for me I know I shouldn’t give a fuck but when you’re treated like you are ‘a bit of fun on the side’ or just some kinda play thing with no emotions, you’re seriously gonna start believing it. Just like I did last week, just like I did months ago and just like I do right now. Clearly, I am not what guys look for in a relationship, clearly, I surround myself with unavailable men because I am too scared of finding a guy who is willing to start a relationship with me because I’m terrified of ending up heartbroken like my parents.
That’s why tonight has been a good night, because I’ve told one of my closest friends all this shit and we’ve never been closer. However, tonight has been one of the worst nights because I told one of my closest friends all this shit and I feel incredibly vulnerable - like I won’t be able to look her in the eye.
I’m embarrassed, self conscious and feel like I’m never going to get the happiness I want, but I like to think I’ll keep trying, even if it means that more of these soul-bearing nights’ll happen (although I hope not, you have no idea how long it’s taken me to write this - it’s nearly 05:35am now and I don’t know how much of this feelings/baring your soul bullshit I can go through) - btw when it all gets too much for me emotionally I like to make a joke out of it all, it’s not really bullshit to me, otherwise I wouldn’t be writing this blog.
So, I’m going to leave it there. I know most of you won’t have given a shit about what I wrote here but I just need to get it off my chest because I’m so confused, angry, fucked up right now I don’t know what to do. If you read this far, thank you - you seriously don’t know how much it means to me, and although it’s really cliche to blame your problems on the way your childhood turned out I hope to god that nobody has to go through what I did, you seriously don’t need that kinda baggage!
So thank you again for sticking with me whilst I bared my soul, I love you for that.
P.S. It would really help in all of this if I wasn’t completely head of heels in lust/liking(?)/(love? I don’t even know anymore) with you. It would help if you didn’t have a girlfriend, it would also help if you didn’t confuse me with your mixed signals and your sexy, cocky, gift of the gab talk. I want to see you more than anything, yet I never want to see you again so this ache will go away.
See? FUCKED UP. I guess I’ll never win.
GOODNIGHT.
Wednesday 18 August 2010
So, I know the last post was about only using my blogs to reach out to people; to educate, to inspire etc. But, I could really use some advice myself.
I've recently acquired a person's screen name for both Skype and AIM. Thing is, I got given them by a friend who knows the person; a person whom I don't know.
So, most of you are probably thinking, well what's the problem, right?
Well, the person who's screen names I have is, I suppose, what you could call a 'celebrity'.
Now, I'd just like to add them, have a bit of a chat y'know.
Nothing sordid or anything.
But, I really don't know whether to add them or not.
I don't want to overstep the mark and invade their privacy but at the same time they may not even accept me.
I just don't know what to do.
Help?
P.S I am aware of how pathetic this post is. I may regret posting it at a later date.
If I get some feedback I'll let you know what I decide.
I've recently acquired a person's screen name for both Skype and AIM. Thing is, I got given them by a friend who knows the person; a person whom I don't know.
So, most of you are probably thinking, well what's the problem, right?
Well, the person who's screen names I have is, I suppose, what you could call a 'celebrity'.
Now, I'd just like to add them, have a bit of a chat y'know.
Nothing sordid or anything.
But, I really don't know whether to add them or not.
I don't want to overstep the mark and invade their privacy but at the same time they may not even accept me.
I just don't know what to do.
Help?
P.S I am aware of how pathetic this post is. I may regret posting it at a later date.
If I get some feedback I'll let you know what I decide.
Thursday 29 July 2010
It is easier to be wise for others than for ourselves
So, I've not posted on here in a while; I'm sorry.
I guess, like a lot of people, I kinda got swept away by the other social networking/blogging spaces I have.
I mean is there such a thing as having too many blogs or other methods to communicate with people?
I'm going to have to say yes.
I feel like my life is dictated by the social networking sites or blogs I'm part of.
In total I have 6 accounts - this includes both blogs and social networking sites.
Now, although I don't use two of them I still feel like four is too much.
Whenever I'm at the laptop I find that I go from one site to another in the hope of writing something interesting and what my 'friends' or 'followers' would be interested in reading - after all, they're the ones who want to know what I have to say otherwise they wouldn't have requested my 'friendship' or 'followed' me.
But, I feel like I really need to ask; do any of them actually care what I have to say?
Does what I write help them make good choices, help them become a better person, help them understand that life isn't always easy?
I want to write something that means something to someone.
I want to be able to actively make a difference in another person's life. Perhaps change their outlook on something or someone or, convince someone that they can follow their dreams, or help a person in need - council them if needed, just lend a helping hand.
But to do this I feel that splitting my time between four different mediums doesn't perhaps do me any justice.
I don't want to be one of those people that posts the same thing on everything because what is the point - these sites are here for different things and to reach people in different ways.
Maybe, I've got this wrong though. Maybe these blogs or social networking sites aren't about your followers or friends. Maybe they really are self indulgent and selfish and all about you.
I guess I'm just one of those people that hope/ed for more from these mediums.
I guess I'd like to stop being so self indulgent and oblivious to other people's needs or opinions or activities.
From now on, I'm going to only write things that I think will help, inspire, advise or teach (and the like).
This is not me thinking that I am above others or, that I think I have some worldly knowledge that my peers do not have but, I think that every person has something to offer - something to teach and something that will inspire.
We put our idols on pedestals and hang on their every word - but all I'm saying is that perhaps everyday idols are the ones that matter. Someone who isn't solely doing it because they've been told to or because they think it will help with their career or album sales.
The everyday people are the ones that DO have the ability to inspire - in a more realistic, more attainable way.
I want to do this for everyone that takes the time to read what I have to say.
Till next time,
J
x
P.S We'll see how long this lasts. Let me tell you - I'm hoping not to inspire people with my laziness - we need more people with more up and go in them.
I know I can't really talk, but I'm working on it! <---- see! I've started already. I hope that my stand against my own laziness will help you stand against your small shortcomings and help you become the person you want to be.
I guess, like a lot of people, I kinda got swept away by the other social networking/blogging spaces I have.
I mean is there such a thing as having too many blogs or other methods to communicate with people?
I'm going to have to say yes.
I feel like my life is dictated by the social networking sites or blogs I'm part of.
In total I have 6 accounts - this includes both blogs and social networking sites.
Now, although I don't use two of them I still feel like four is too much.
Whenever I'm at the laptop I find that I go from one site to another in the hope of writing something interesting and what my 'friends' or 'followers' would be interested in reading - after all, they're the ones who want to know what I have to say otherwise they wouldn't have requested my 'friendship' or 'followed' me.
But, I feel like I really need to ask; do any of them actually care what I have to say?
Does what I write help them make good choices, help them become a better person, help them understand that life isn't always easy?
I want to write something that means something to someone.
I want to be able to actively make a difference in another person's life. Perhaps change their outlook on something or someone or, convince someone that they can follow their dreams, or help a person in need - council them if needed, just lend a helping hand.
But to do this I feel that splitting my time between four different mediums doesn't perhaps do me any justice.
I don't want to be one of those people that posts the same thing on everything because what is the point - these sites are here for different things and to reach people in different ways.
Maybe, I've got this wrong though. Maybe these blogs or social networking sites aren't about your followers or friends. Maybe they really are self indulgent and selfish and all about you.
I guess I'm just one of those people that hope/ed for more from these mediums.
I guess I'd like to stop being so self indulgent and oblivious to other people's needs or opinions or activities.
From now on, I'm going to only write things that I think will help, inspire, advise or teach (and the like).
This is not me thinking that I am above others or, that I think I have some worldly knowledge that my peers do not have but, I think that every person has something to offer - something to teach and something that will inspire.
We put our idols on pedestals and hang on their every word - but all I'm saying is that perhaps everyday idols are the ones that matter. Someone who isn't solely doing it because they've been told to or because they think it will help with their career or album sales.
The everyday people are the ones that DO have the ability to inspire - in a more realistic, more attainable way.
I want to do this for everyone that takes the time to read what I have to say.
Till next time,
J
x
P.S We'll see how long this lasts. Let me tell you - I'm hoping not to inspire people with my laziness - we need more people with more up and go in them.
I know I can't really talk, but I'm working on it! <---- see! I've started already. I hope that my stand against my own laziness will help you stand against your small shortcomings and help you become the person you want to be.
Saturday 1 May 2010
FML my life.
Ok, so I'm gonna bring you up to speed.
A few months ago (I actually can't remember when) I went out with Mike, who's off my course, and his mates in Liverpool. Eventually it ended up being just me, Mike and his friend Mark - who I've met a few times before.
Anyway, we all went back to mine and somehow stuff started to happen between me and Mark - whilst Mike was in the room (:O classy, I know) So then, not long after Mike said he was going to leave because he was tired and Mark stayed with me. Now, Mike hadn't twigged that anything was going on between me and Mark and even when I saw him the next week he never said anything.
So after that, I think I started to have a little crush on Mark. Except Mark has a girlfriend - who he's been with for like four years. Now, I don't advocate cheating because my dad has cheated on my mum and my step-mum - so, I've seen the repercussions. However, I still feel quite bad about doing it. But, not as bad as I feel about the fact that I like him and the fact that if he ever wanted a repeat of that night I would most likely not be able to say no - the thing about Mark is that he's very charming; he's definitely got the talk and he knows how to make me laugh.
Anyway, after that night I didn't see Mark; until last Thursday. Now again it was me, my friend Laura and Mike and his friends - Mark was one of them. Now, once I found out he was there I was thinking shit it might be awkward between us or whatever but, I was looking forward to seeing him again. So when i saw him it was a little bit awkward it was like a obligatory 'alright' and a nod of the head :/
Anyway after a few drinks it was all good and we had a great chat and a bit of banter - as always.
Now, the other friends that were there were Gary, Michael and Adam. Now I've met Gary a few times before also and he works at one of the bars I go to a lot and we've had some good chats and get on. Adam, I only met early on that day but he seemed like a nice guy and really made me laugh & Michael I've never met before although I did send him a 'rude' picture once hahaha. (At Mike and Mark's request of course :P)
Anyway, Laura and I got proper drunk and ended up making a friend that night - when I say friend I mean one of those people you love when you're drunk and you get on great, swap numbers and then never text each other like you say you will. But, it was fun all the same.
Eventually, we left and Laura, Mike, Mark, Gary and Michael came back to mine. We stayed up all night and carried on drinking all night - as we always do whenever Mike and his friends come back. Eventually, Mark had to leave about 8ish because he had work in the afternoon. Nothing happened between me and Mark this time - I hate to admit I was a bit gutted.
Then about an hour later Mike said he wanted to go and get food and sleep so both he and Michael went and Gary decided to stay and watch the rest of the film we had on. As soon as I came back from letting Mike and Michael out Laura decided she was going to go to sleep and left, leaving me and Gary.
It was alright, we were just having a laugh and everything and then he said do you wanna go on chatroulette and I said alright.
I thought this was a bit odd because I've only met him a few times and I don't know it just felt odd. Anyway, he kept bringing up by boobs and how he he'd heard I'd got them out before on chatroulette - you know hinting at me to get them out. I kept saying nooooo I can't, not in front of you etc.
Anyway (sorry, I've realised I've rambled A LOT) eventually it got to the point where he was touching me and I didn't stop him and then we eventually ended up having sex.
As soon as I did it I thought, oh god what have i done. I know I quite like Mark and I wouldn't regret it if I had sex with him but he's got a girlfriend. Thing is though, Gary also has a girlfriend. I know! I'm a 'bad' person - what makes it worse is she works at the same bar that Gary does, the one that I go to a lot! :( I don't even like Gary that way, that's what I don't get and then after he said to me basically did you wanna start something up on the side and i didn't know what to say so I said maybe. Thing is I don't really want to because, one I don't want to be the 'other woman' and two it could make it extremely awkward between us and between me and Mike.
The whole time I kept thinking I can't tell Mike any of this because he'll hate me blah blah blah. So yeah I really don't know what to do if Gary says anything to me!
Right, last bit now - I promise.
Monday night, me, Laura, her boyfriend Anthony, Dan and Mike went to this pub quiz. Now, earlier on in the day we'd decided to jib our lectures off and go sit in a beer garden and drink. So, we got proper drunk - we were drinking from 1:30 till about 5ish then we came back to mine had food and more drink and then went to the quiz and had even more drink - so it's safe to say I was pretty pretty smashed well, we all were.
Ok, things got a bit heavy when Anthony hit Laura in the stomach during an argument before the quiz - the made up but we were all pissed off about this. Now, I love Anthony normally he's great a really nice guy but that night I saw a different side to him. Anyway we all went off to the quiz - we came second!! wooop! - and Anthony said something really degrading about women and I said no don't say that and then we had an argument and I slapped him and then he shoved me. At this point I was pretty fucked off and stormed off out of there - closely followed by Mike who said he was so glad I'd done that and not just taken it. Laura, bless her, was completely oblivious to all this. Anyway to cut this very long story short more arguments were had when Laura found out what Ant did to me, the pub closed and we left; then Ant stormed off in a huff and we all went on to CaVa - the tequila bar. We went in and guess who was working!!!
Gary...AND his girlfriend! FML my life.
All was good, Gary served me - didn't give me a free drink though did he! Bastard. Hahaha, got a discount though ;)
Now, this is where my memory gets properly hazy. Laura says that I hinted to Mike about something to do with me and Gary - I don't remember. Anyway Mike wouldn't leave it alone and basically Laura took him to one side and told him everything - even about Mark. FML my life - or so I thought. Mike was really great about it all and wanted to know all the details hahaha - he's such a gossip! I asked if he hated me and he said no why, they're the ones in the wrong - thank fuck for that!
Shortly after we left and then I slipped off the curb and bashed my ankle and twisted my knee. FML my life...again!
Perfect way to end the night, eh?
So, more stuff happened after like falling out with flatmates etc. and last night I went to CaVa again but I really I cannot be bothered to bore you anymore. Hahaha. Maybe blog later about the rest :)
Till next time,
J
x
A few months ago (I actually can't remember when) I went out with Mike, who's off my course, and his mates in Liverpool. Eventually it ended up being just me, Mike and his friend Mark - who I've met a few times before.
Anyway, we all went back to mine and somehow stuff started to happen between me and Mark - whilst Mike was in the room (:O classy, I know) So then, not long after Mike said he was going to leave because he was tired and Mark stayed with me. Now, Mike hadn't twigged that anything was going on between me and Mark and even when I saw him the next week he never said anything.
So after that, I think I started to have a little crush on Mark. Except Mark has a girlfriend - who he's been with for like four years. Now, I don't advocate cheating because my dad has cheated on my mum and my step-mum - so, I've seen the repercussions. However, I still feel quite bad about doing it. But, not as bad as I feel about the fact that I like him and the fact that if he ever wanted a repeat of that night I would most likely not be able to say no - the thing about Mark is that he's very charming; he's definitely got the talk and he knows how to make me laugh.
Anyway, after that night I didn't see Mark; until last Thursday. Now again it was me, my friend Laura and Mike and his friends - Mark was one of them. Now, once I found out he was there I was thinking shit it might be awkward between us or whatever but, I was looking forward to seeing him again. So when i saw him it was a little bit awkward it was like a obligatory 'alright' and a nod of the head :/
Anyway after a few drinks it was all good and we had a great chat and a bit of banter - as always.
Now, the other friends that were there were Gary, Michael and Adam. Now I've met Gary a few times before also and he works at one of the bars I go to a lot and we've had some good chats and get on. Adam, I only met early on that day but he seemed like a nice guy and really made me laugh & Michael I've never met before although I did send him a 'rude' picture once hahaha. (At Mike and Mark's request of course :P)
Anyway, Laura and I got proper drunk and ended up making a friend that night - when I say friend I mean one of those people you love when you're drunk and you get on great, swap numbers and then never text each other like you say you will. But, it was fun all the same.
Eventually, we left and Laura, Mike, Mark, Gary and Michael came back to mine. We stayed up all night and carried on drinking all night - as we always do whenever Mike and his friends come back. Eventually, Mark had to leave about 8ish because he had work in the afternoon. Nothing happened between me and Mark this time - I hate to admit I was a bit gutted.
Then about an hour later Mike said he wanted to go and get food and sleep so both he and Michael went and Gary decided to stay and watch the rest of the film we had on. As soon as I came back from letting Mike and Michael out Laura decided she was going to go to sleep and left, leaving me and Gary.
It was alright, we were just having a laugh and everything and then he said do you wanna go on chatroulette and I said alright.
I thought this was a bit odd because I've only met him a few times and I don't know it just felt odd. Anyway, he kept bringing up by boobs and how he he'd heard I'd got them out before on chatroulette - you know hinting at me to get them out. I kept saying nooooo I can't, not in front of you etc.
Anyway (sorry, I've realised I've rambled A LOT) eventually it got to the point where he was touching me and I didn't stop him and then we eventually ended up having sex.
As soon as I did it I thought, oh god what have i done. I know I quite like Mark and I wouldn't regret it if I had sex with him but he's got a girlfriend. Thing is though, Gary also has a girlfriend. I know! I'm a 'bad' person - what makes it worse is she works at the same bar that Gary does, the one that I go to a lot! :( I don't even like Gary that way, that's what I don't get and then after he said to me basically did you wanna start something up on the side and i didn't know what to say so I said maybe. Thing is I don't really want to because, one I don't want to be the 'other woman' and two it could make it extremely awkward between us and between me and Mike.
The whole time I kept thinking I can't tell Mike any of this because he'll hate me blah blah blah. So yeah I really don't know what to do if Gary says anything to me!
Right, last bit now - I promise.
Monday night, me, Laura, her boyfriend Anthony, Dan and Mike went to this pub quiz. Now, earlier on in the day we'd decided to jib our lectures off and go sit in a beer garden and drink. So, we got proper drunk - we were drinking from 1:30 till about 5ish then we came back to mine had food and more drink and then went to the quiz and had even more drink - so it's safe to say I was pretty pretty smashed well, we all were.
Ok, things got a bit heavy when Anthony hit Laura in the stomach during an argument before the quiz - the made up but we were all pissed off about this. Now, I love Anthony normally he's great a really nice guy but that night I saw a different side to him. Anyway we all went off to the quiz - we came second!! wooop! - and Anthony said something really degrading about women and I said no don't say that and then we had an argument and I slapped him and then he shoved me. At this point I was pretty fucked off and stormed off out of there - closely followed by Mike who said he was so glad I'd done that and not just taken it. Laura, bless her, was completely oblivious to all this. Anyway to cut this very long story short more arguments were had when Laura found out what Ant did to me, the pub closed and we left; then Ant stormed off in a huff and we all went on to CaVa - the tequila bar. We went in and guess who was working!!!
Gary...AND his girlfriend! FML my life.
All was good, Gary served me - didn't give me a free drink though did he! Bastard. Hahaha, got a discount though ;)
Now, this is where my memory gets properly hazy. Laura says that I hinted to Mike about something to do with me and Gary - I don't remember. Anyway Mike wouldn't leave it alone and basically Laura took him to one side and told him everything - even about Mark. FML my life - or so I thought. Mike was really great about it all and wanted to know all the details hahaha - he's such a gossip! I asked if he hated me and he said no why, they're the ones in the wrong - thank fuck for that!
Shortly after we left and then I slipped off the curb and bashed my ankle and twisted my knee. FML my life...again!
Perfect way to end the night, eh?
So, more stuff happened after like falling out with flatmates etc. and last night I went to CaVa again but I really I cannot be bothered to bore you anymore. Hahaha. Maybe blog later about the rest :)
Till next time,
J
x
Wednesday 21 April 2010
This Is War
Haven't posted in a while, sorry.
Wow, last post was a bit heavy! Don't know what I was thinking, just in one of those moods I guess.
Back at Uni now and I honestly thought I'd feel great being back, but it's a bit shit. I like the freedom and not having to worry about anyone but myself (selfish, I know) but, half my course are stranded in Portugal, my first lecture back we get bollocked and my flat is practically empty!!!!!
Just kinda wish I was at home again.
Keep thinking about the summer now and how much stuff I've got planned and then next year at uni should be better in terms of living arrangements and my course!
WE FINALLY GET TO PICK OUR MODULES! THANK FUCK!
I've picked mine for the Comms side:
Semester 1: Hollywood Cinema and Language and Culture
Semester 2: Research Methods in Communication and Media (had to pick this if I wanna do a dissertation in my 3rd year!) and Investigative Journalism.
Just need to pick my music modules now and then I'm away! :)
Dead excited.
Today, I found out I'm going on tourrrrrrrrrr! Woohoo!
Katie, said that Dissolvedin/The Lost Boys (yep they've changed their name) are going on tour in July - all booked and there's a space in the van for me :) GET IN!
It's a 10 day tour round the country and I plan on getting absolutely hammered and obviously take note of what's going on.. :P
July couldn't come quick enough if you ask me!
Till next time,
J
x
Wow, last post was a bit heavy! Don't know what I was thinking, just in one of those moods I guess.
Back at Uni now and I honestly thought I'd feel great being back, but it's a bit shit. I like the freedom and not having to worry about anyone but myself (selfish, I know) but, half my course are stranded in Portugal, my first lecture back we get bollocked and my flat is practically empty!!!!!
Just kinda wish I was at home again.
Keep thinking about the summer now and how much stuff I've got planned and then next year at uni should be better in terms of living arrangements and my course!
WE FINALLY GET TO PICK OUR MODULES! THANK FUCK!
I've picked mine for the Comms side:
Semester 1: Hollywood Cinema and Language and Culture
Semester 2: Research Methods in Communication and Media (had to pick this if I wanna do a dissertation in my 3rd year!) and Investigative Journalism.
Just need to pick my music modules now and then I'm away! :)
Dead excited.
Today, I found out I'm going on tourrrrrrrrrr! Woohoo!
Katie, said that Dissolvedin/The Lost Boys (yep they've changed their name) are going on tour in July - all booked and there's a space in the van for me :) GET IN!
It's a 10 day tour round the country and I plan on getting absolutely hammered and obviously take note of what's going on.. :P
July couldn't come quick enough if you ask me!
Till next time,
J
x
Tuesday 13 April 2010
blah, blah, blah
Hey, you! Just fuck off, ok?
Buh-bye now.
Other news, fuck knows what's happening this week.
- Cancelling photoshoot.
- Fuck knows if Manc is still on.
- Looks like I won't be seeing Katie tomorrow.
- Planet on Sat cancelled.
- Dan's fucking off to Becky's again this weekend so won't see him properly before going back to uni.
- Don't know if I'll see my stepmum, brother and sister before going back to uni.
- Essay in for next Monday not started- am I arsed atm? Fuck no.
In an insanely fucked off mood at the moment.
Fuck knows why, don't fucking care either.
But what fucks me off the most is that I keep thinking about when I'm going to see you again. It's been months since I saw you. I know it's not serious and I don't want it to be. In fact it/we shouldn't be anything at all. I don't want to be the bitch in this. I know what it's like when someone else gets involved and I know the consequences.
But, next time I see you I know I won't be able to resist; that's if it's even like the last time...
However, at the same time, I couldn't give a fuck about you either.
CONFUSED.COM
Buh-bye now.
Other news, fuck knows what's happening this week.
- Cancelling photoshoot.
- Fuck knows if Manc is still on.
- Looks like I won't be seeing Katie tomorrow.
- Planet on Sat cancelled.
- Dan's fucking off to Becky's again this weekend so won't see him properly before going back to uni.
- Don't know if I'll see my stepmum, brother and sister before going back to uni.
- Essay in for next Monday not started- am I arsed atm? Fuck no.
In an insanely fucked off mood at the moment.
Fuck knows why, don't fucking care either.
But what fucks me off the most is that I keep thinking about when I'm going to see you again. It's been months since I saw you. I know it's not serious and I don't want it to be. In fact it/we shouldn't be anything at all. I don't want to be the bitch in this. I know what it's like when someone else gets involved and I know the consequences.
But, next time I see you I know I won't be able to resist; that's if it's even like the last time...
However, at the same time, I couldn't give a fuck about you either.
CONFUSED.COM
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