Took this off my Tumblr, just thought it was better suited for here.

I’m sat here at like 04:12am and I can honestly say it’s been one of the best nights out I’ve had in Liverpool and also one of the worst.

When I normally go out, it involves me, a group of male friends and most of the time my very close female friend. Due to the people I spend most of my drunken hours with I don’t normally spill my deepest darkest insecurities or my true feelings about people because, let’s face it, I’m not that type of girl. I detest anything too soppy or overly romantic; it actually repulses me.

Tonight, however, it involved me and my close female friend getting insanely drunk and having the old girly ‘feelings’ chat. I mean we’ve talked sober and everything but this time, it was completely different. We both talked about things we had never talked about before and exposed our true feelings about certain situations - mostly involving men. I learnt things about her relationships and she learnt things about my - shalll we call them, liaisons? Yes.

Well, to be honest with you, I’ve never felt better. I feel like we have such a better friendship already having opened up to each other in this way. I opened up to her about my commitment issues concerning my ‘unconventional’ upbringing (I put unconventional in ‘_’ because although it was pretty normal I mean it was unconventional in terms of your stereotypical nuclear family kinda shit; the main fact being my family wasn’t and all my friend’s were.)

Over my teenage years, I’ve had to deal with many a family crisis - mainly concerning my dad and his wondering eyes (and hands) - but I’ve also had to deal with my own self confidence issues and what seems like now your stereotypical childhood bullying or character building as some may prefer to call it - although I can honestly say it hasn’t built my character, it’s just made me, for want of a better phrase, completely fucked up.

So ever since then, I’ve been unbelievably concerned - perhaps almost obsessed - with the fact that I’m going to end up alone. I’ve been told constantly by my amazing and absolutely stunning friends that out there somewhere, there is the right man for me. I’ve been told this since Secondary school, “Just you wait till you get to college, there’ll be plenty of new guys that you’ll meet and you’ll get what you finally deserve.” Unfortunately for me there were plenty of guys I met, just none of them interested in me.

So, I went to University last year and I was basically told the same thing again. I’d been at University about a month when I met an Irish guy on a night out. One thing led to another and we ended up sleeping together. Contrary to popular belief this was my first time and although it was fun, as soon as it was over I never wanted to see him again. I just wanted to cut him out of my life and never deal with it. Now, many people would say this is because I just wanted sex and nothing else or I’d slept with him and regretted how my first time was etc. but, no. I wanted someone to want me, but I just couldn’t/can’t deal with my self confidence issues. I didn’t want him to wake up and be sober and have to fake an attraction towards me or see him again and leave him feeling disappointed. Ridiculous I know but, I just couldn’t bear it, I’d rather push him away and hurt his feelings - maybe - than him crush me into a tiny pieces and I’d never be able to recover again.

Eventually, I had sex with other guys and blah blah blah the same kinda shit happened again - I say ‘happened’, I use that term loosely; considering most of these palavers I found myself in are partly my doing. But, what took me a while to realise was that I picked guys that were unavailable - whether they had girlfriends (so were physically and emotionally unavailable to me or whether they were just physically available to me and completely unavailable to me emotionally.) Either way, I’ve realised I can’t handle a guy being interested in me. I literally can’t handle it, it makes me question them and think they’re doing it all for a joke and even if I know they aren’t and I know for a fact they like me, I still detach myself and find faults in their personality because I can’t deal with anyone liking me (no matter how much I want it) - I know that I am no where near good enough, or even deserve someone who will or even does love/like me.

I know it all sounds terribly cliche, but I’ve lived in this shadow of self consciousness for far too long, if people don’t like me for me I know I shouldn’t give a fuck but when you’re treated like you are ‘a bit of fun on the side’ or just some kinda play thing with no emotions, you’re seriously gonna start believing it. Just like I did last week, just like I did months ago and just like I do right now. Clearly, I am not what guys look for in a relationship, clearly, I surround myself with unavailable men because I am too scared of finding a guy who is willing to start a relationship with me because I’m terrified of ending up heartbroken like my parents.

That’s why tonight has been a good night, because I’ve told one of my closest friends all this shit and we’ve never been closer. However, tonight has been one of the worst nights because I told one of my closest friends all this shit and I feel incredibly vulnerable - like I won’t be able to look her in the eye.

I’m embarrassed, self conscious and feel like I’m never going to get the happiness I want, but I like to think I’ll keep trying, even if it means that more of these soul-bearing nights’ll happen (although I hope not, you have no idea how long it’s taken me to write this - it’s nearly 05:35am now and I don’t know how much of this feelings/baring your soul bullshit I can go through) - btw when it all gets too much for me emotionally I like to make a joke out of it all, it’s not really bullshit to me, otherwise I wouldn’t be writing this blog.

So, I’m going to leave it there. I know most of you won’t have given a shit about what I wrote here but I just need to get it off my chest because I’m so confused, angry, fucked up right now I don’t know what to do. If you read this far, thank you - you seriously don’t know how much it means to me, and although it’s really cliche to blame your problems on the way your childhood turned out I hope to god that nobody has to go through what I did, you seriously don’t need that kinda baggage!

So thank you again for sticking with me whilst I bared my soul, I love you for that.

P.S. It would really help in all of this if I wasn’t completely head of heels in lust/liking(?)/(love? I don’t even know anymore) with you. It would help if you didn’t have a girlfriend, it would also help if you didn’t confuse me with your mixed signals and your sexy, cocky, gift of the gab talk. I want to see you more than anything, yet I never want to see you again so this ache will go away.

See? FUCKED UP. I guess I’ll never win.

GOODNIGHT.